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Nitsuaaa's favorite FMLs
Today, my neighbor went on vacation, leaving me in charge of his cat and dog. For some reason, he calls his dog "Cat" and his cat "Dog". There are two pet food containers, one labeled "Cat" and the other labeled "Dog". I have no idea which one goes to which animal. FML
by catdog / 01/02/2013 at 1:07am / United States (California) / Animals
by Anonymous / 08/08/2011 at 3:16am / United States (Massachusetts) / Intimacy
by princev / 06/18/2011 at 6:32am / United States / Health
Today, I had a sore throat, and I'd read that drops of Tabasco sauce on your tongue helps. I aimed the bottle at my tongue and the whole cap came off, covering my face and filling my mouth with Tabasco sauce, causing me to blow chunks all over the kitchen floor. FML
by Alec / 06/15/2011 at 5:02am / United States / Health
Today, I was eating Star Wars gummy candies and I bit R2-D2 in half. My girlfriend looked at it and said "Oh look, now he's R1-D1". It was super cute, but I couldn't help thinking, "That's not how the numbering system works for droids." FML
by techiefIve / 06/14/2011 at 6:04am / United States (California) / Geek
Today, I discovered a tick on my penis. After a long battle, he finally let go. Four hours later I'm in the hospital. My penis is twice the normal size. I may have won the battle but lost the war. FML
by John jacob / 06/13/2011 at 2:25am / United States (Georgia) / Intimacy
by Patrick R / 06/09/2011 at 12:01pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
Today, I was riding my long board. A few feet from me an attractive girl was riding one too, in the same direction. We made eye contact right as I slammed into a light pole. She then fell because she was laughing so hard. FML
by TheNerd / 05/11/2011 at 10:01pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus. More specifically, I discovered what it feels like to get a ruptured sinus from being hit in the face by a pigeon that was deflected from the windscreen of a van moving at about 35mph. FML
by pigeons_suck / 05/11/2011 at 5:17pm / United States (Washington) / Health
by coolbeans123 / 05/10/2011 at 12:37pm / Singapore / Animals
by howler / 02/15/2011 at 1:44am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
by SkinsCastSelection / 01/17/2011 at 11:44am / France / Intimacy
Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML
by Anonymous / 01/08/2011 at 8:11pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
Today, I was taking a leak in the mall bathroom. A kid no older than thirteen strolled in and paused next to me at the urinals. He took one look and laughed, "I feel sorry for your wife, man." All I could do was stand there as he casually disappeared into one of the stalls. FML
by Anonymous / 12/25/2010 at 2:11am / United States (Vermont) / Intimacy
- Today, I told my brother to put his phone down while he was driving. Instead, he got mad and kept… Today, I was teaching a new employee on how to put out a grease fire while it was still in the pan.… Today, I went to pick up my step dad at the hospital. The nurse told me, "be nice to him". He had a…