Ohai.
Today, we ran out of milk and my 4 year old son came up to me and asked if he can "milk" my wife's breasts for his cereals. Apparently, he thinks my wife doesn't love him and his sister is selfish for not sharing her milk. His sister is only one month old. FML
I agree, your life sucks (20780) - you totally deserved it (1961)
On 09/30/2009 at 1:17am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur)
Today, I was home alone, and decided to do some naked cleaning just because I could. After half an hour of liberating nakie-dusting, I turn around to see my boyfriend and his best friend gaping at me open mouthed. His older brother however gave a creepy smile and the thumbs up. FML
I agree, your life sucks (8114) - you totally deserved it (23991)
On 09/23/2009 at 5:35am - misc - by DusterOverBits (woman) - United Kingdom
Today, I woke up from a nap on my new bed to see my phone lit up with new texts. My friend sent out "Wanna test out my new bed?" as a mass text while I was asleep to every boy in my phone. Mark will be here in an hour, Jon wants to know what I'm wearing, and my ex's new girlfriend is not amused. FML
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On 09/20/2009 at 7:19pm - misc - by Anathema_360 (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was in my 15-year-old sister’s room when I found birth control pills. I told my parents who responded by saying “ Sex is beautiful thing.” When I was her age my parents caught me pleasuring myself and smashed my laptop with a hammer and calling me "filthy" multiple times. FML
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On 09/20/2009 at 4:55pm - misc - by LovesHisHand (man) - United States (California)
Today, my boyfriend, who has been growing out his facial hair lately, and I, went to a family get together. When we showed up my grandmother came up to him and started growling. She then said, "I was just trying to communicate with Chewbacca over here." Thanks grandma. FML
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On 09/19/2009 at 2:43pm - misc - by Chewy (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, I realized that when my new roommate said we could both use the condoms he bought, he didn't mean separately. FML
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On 09/13/2009 at 1:36pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (District of Columbia)
Today, I went to a restaurant with some friends. I noticed a very cute waitress about my age, so I walked over to her and asked if she had a boyfriend. The extremely fit, attractive waiter standing next to her immediately turned, held out his hand and goes, "Yeah. Meet me." FML
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On 09/13/2009 at 1:14am - misc - by footinmouth (man) - United States (Kansas)
Today, was my first day at Military School. When our commander walked into the sleeping quarters, instructing us all to get up and stand at the foot of our beds. I had morning wood. To which the commander wasted no time in adressing in front of the rest of the room. FML
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On 09/12/2009 at 9:14am - misc - by Lukev7 - Australia (Victoria)
Today I was eating m&ms on a chair when I dropped one and it fell under my crotch. My mom came in to see my hand on my crotch and me muttering "where is that little bastard?" FML
I agree, your life sucks (25490) - you totally deserved it (6045)
On 09/11/2009 at 2:26pm - misc - by awilson (man) - United States (Massachusetts)
Today, I asked this guy to lunch because I had something I wanted to tell him. Before I could say anything he kissed me and said, "I love you too!" I was planning on telling him that my dad had told me earlier that he was my half brother. FML
I agree, your life sucks (36422) - you totally deserved it (1564)
On 09/10/2009 at 3:24pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I found out why my husband had wanted to wait until marriage to get it on. Last night was the first night of our honeymoon, and he informed me that he wasn't always Ben, but used to be Brenda. His 'penis' doesn't work and he had wanted to know I "truly loved him" before he had let me know. FML
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On 09/09/2009 at 1:21pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Arizona)
Today, for the first time ever, while I was driving I ran over a squirrel. It was in front of three little girls at their lemonade stand. FML
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On 09/09/2009 at 12:23am - misc - by Anonymous - United States (California)
Today, I was talking to my boyfriend on the way to meet him. While chatting, I told him that i had a rip in my favorite jeans. When he sympathetically apologized, I said "It's okay, you're just going to take them off in a minute, anyway." I forgot my mom was in the car. FML
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On 09/05/2009 at 9:39am - love - by leahbeuhh (woman) - United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire)
Today, I went out with my family and boyfriend for dinner. We were all having a good time, and suddenly at the end of dinner he decides to kneel down on one knee, take out an engagement ring, and say "I choose you, Pikachu," with a straight face. He was serious. FML
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On 09/04/2009 at 10:19pm - love - by mandy (woman) - United States (California)
Today, while riding in the car with my friends, we stopped at a red light. To our left, a very obese, middle aged man slowly unbuttoned his shirt and spread it out. He then stared at us while massaging his nipples with his thumb and index fingers for the duration of the red light. FML
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On 09/04/2009 at 1:15am - misc - by Scarred (man) - United States (North Carolina)
