MLIA
Today, at work, a woman came up to the counter and asked if we made sweet and sour chicken. Before I could answer, she told me a really long recipe and said "I expect to see this on the menu next time I come in, or I will complain to the manager about your lousy work ethic". I work at Starbucks. FML
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On 07/05/2009 at 1:21am - work - by Barista (man) - United States (Wisconsin)
Today, I got called to a biker bar to break up a fight between my parents. FML
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On 07/04/2009 at 11:24am - misc - by hot_mess88 (woman) - United States (Colorado)
Today, I woke up finding myself violently humping my pillow. My mom recorded it. FML
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On 07/04/2009 at 4:58am - intimacy - by R_U_CEREAL (man) - United States (Oregon)
Today, I tried to stop a drunk girl from driving home. She took a couple swings at me, which I dodged. Feeling pretty good about it, I tried to get the keys from her hand. She leaned over, and sunk her teeth in to my bare shoulder. The doctor says I will have a scar. FML
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On 07/01/2009 at 5:46pm - misc - by Pelota (woman) - United States (California)
Today, the cops showed up to check out a child abuse complaint, I then had to spend an hour explaining that I had given my son a suppository. The neighbors heard him sobbing hysterically "Daddy, why did you put that in my butt? It hurts." My neighbor had heard and thought I was raping my son. FML
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On 06/24/2009 at 5:11pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)
Today, I was at a pond taking pictures with my new camera. I saw a mama duck leading her babies around and decided to get in closer to take a picture. Mama duck got spooked and led her babies too close to a waterfall escaping. One fell off. It never surfaced. FML
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On 06/20/2009 at 8:11am - misc - by DuckyKiller (woman) - United States (South Carolina)
Today my friend sent me a bumper sticker that said, "Do you know that gullible said slowly sounds like 'green bears'?". I spent quite a few minutes trying to get gullible to sound like green bears until I realized that it didn't. FML
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On 06/20/2009 at 12:09am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I used my inhaler for the first time in a year. As soon as I took a puff I felt something strange go down my throat. Upon closer inspection I discovered there had been a spider living in the mouth of my inhaler... and I had just swallowed it. FML
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On 06/18/2009 at 7:07pm - health - by asthmatic (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, I decided to use fake tan, seeing as I am so pale. Everywhere I have been today, I have had children behind me. Singing the Oompa Loompa song. FML
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On 06/18/2009 at 9:32am - misc - by OompaLoompa (woman) - United Kingdom
Today, I was at the mall with some friends. In the food court we passed by this creepy pervert feeling up a woman. I take a closer look and realize with horror that the guy is my dad in sunglasses and a hat. The lady he was with was not my mom. FML
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On 06/18/2009 at 1:26am - misc - by traumatized (woman) - United States
Today, I was at the mall blasting music, I was wearing a nice shirt and had my ipod in my breast pocket when I noticed a cute girl smiling at me so I smiled back and she started to walk over while turning down my music while smiling. It looked like I was rubbing my nipple. FML
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On 05/20/2009 at 11:08pm - love - by zero_minded12 (man) - United States (Illinois)
Today, my brother came out to our family as being gay. My mother starting crying because "She wanted grandchildren." I told her that I was planning on having children. She started crying harder. FML
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On 05/19/2009 at 9:21pm - kids - by bopbop (woman) - United States (Georgia)
Today, my fiance's parents visited. I keep chickens for their eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cooked us dinner. When we returned, we faced two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. I'm a vegetarian. They had names. FML
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On 04/10/2009 at 1:11am - misc - by lanbon182 - United States (California)
Today, I tasted the rainbow. By that, I mean a homeless man hit me in the face with a bag of Skittles for not giving him money. FML
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On 04/03/2009 at 5:43am - money - by rovery (man) - United States (California)
Today, I told my mom about my night terrors in which I am laying in a ditch with people shooting at me, and I have no ammunition to defend myself. She told me I should stop being such a whiny bitch, and to grow up and be a man. I am 20 and got back from Iraq 10 months ago. FML
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On 03/29/2009 at 11:37pm - misc - by KSFarmBoy (man) - United States (Tennessee)
