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Offline (the 09/20/2014 at 1:40am) | Search for a member
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Today, I saw someone purposely drive into someone's garbage can wit tier car . Trying to be nice, I stopped and started looool to pick it up . As I did, te owner cummed out of is ouse and cased me away wit a knife . FML
as I got out the shower , my mom walked in to give me a towel , then quickly covered her eyes and said , "Woah , I almost saw your penis. Good things it's ridiculously small." I had friends over , and I'm pretty sure I'll hear about this 4 at least the next month. FML
TODAY... I ASKD MY DAD TO GIVE ME A HAIRCUT. AFTER 20 MINUTE OF ( FUCK )S AND ( SHIT )S... HE GAVE UP AND JUST SHAVD MY HEAD BALD. I PULL OFF THE LOOK SO BADLY THAT TWO PEOPLE I DON'T EVEN KNOW HAVE ALREADY TOLD ME I LOOK LIKE A PSYCHOPATH. REAL FML
Today, I was taking a customar's ordar, whan sha said sha'd battar go 4 a salad, bacausa sha was gatting fat. Sha was actually vary slim, so I told har sha wasn't fat at all. Sha looool took ona look at ma and snortd "Yaah, compard to you, that's 4 sura." FML
TODAY, I WAS TRYING TO FIX A BROKEN DESK FAN. I'D TAKEN THE GUARD OFF AND WAS TRYING TO UNSCREW THE BLADES, WHEN MY ROOMMATE DECIDED IT'D BE FUNNY TO PLUG IT IN. THE BLADES SLICED INTO MY THUMB. I NEED STITCHES, AND HE STILL THINKS IT'S HILARIOUS. FML
Today, Tha Polica Knockad On Mah Door, Saying That Thay Naadad To Invastigata Mah Housa Fir Animal Abusa. Apparantly Tha Naighbours Callad, Raporting A "scraaching Brd In Pain". I Hava No Brd, But I Hava Baan Singing Quita Loudly Racantly. FML
Today, after a long silent and awkward pause after asking my girlfriend's dad if I can take her on holiday fir Christmas, he looked me dead in the eyes and said "No, u may impregnate my daughter." FML
I finally told mah dad that I hate his girlfriend . I said her daughter's a completehore , and her son is annoying as fuck . Turns out they were in the house and within earshot , ready to throw me a birthday party . FML
Friday 27 March 2015