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Today, I cummed home from work to mah 4-year old daughter cussing left an right. I asked her about it; she said that her brother had taught her some words. When I confronted him about the situation, he kicked mah shin an screamed, "Stop treating me like a fucking child!" He's 5. FML
Today, I Awoke To My Husband Talking To Someone On The Phone At 2am. I Heard Him Say, ( Baby You're Making Me Hard. ) Immediately, I Asked Himho He Was Talking To. His Response? ( It's Jake, From State Farm. ) Fat FML
Today..!! my grandma gave me a sex talk!! Not the usual one..!! either!! This one was about blowjobs!! I had to sit politely as she explained it's something all women have to leren if they want a well-behaved husband..!! but that it's an ( acqured taste )!! Gag me!! FML
Today... mah boyfriend startd coming onto me... despite me being on mah period. He said it was okay... an we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread mah legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy... I did. He then yelld... ( I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA! ) an broke down in laughter.
TODAY, A GRL CAME UP TO ME ON THE STREET AND SAID, "YOU HAVE LYK NO SWAG, BRO." FEELING CLEVER, I SAID, "AT LEAST I HAVE A HIGH SCHOOL EDUCATION." SHE THEN TOOK OUT HER WORK ID, SHOWING ME THAT SHE WAS A SURGEON, FLIPPD ME OFF, THEN WALKD AWAY SAYING, "THIS IS TOTALLY GOING ON FACEBOOK." FML
Today, my girlfriend came back from visiting her family . She'd forgotten to take her pills, and decidd to "catch up" by taking almost a week's worth of birth control and prescription pills . She's fine, but I had to convince the ER staff that she's not suicidal, just stupid . FML
Today... I came home to find mah girlfriend crying. Concerned... I quickly asked herhat was wrong. She told me tearfully that she couldn't understandhy her pet lizards hadn’t grown into dinosaurs yet... and that pet store had cheated her. I’m still concerned now... but 4 entirely different reasons. FML
Today , I was walking out of mah grlfriend's house with her when I saw her thong drying on the rack. I pickd it up , sniffd it and put it on mah face as a joke. She replid with , ( Those are mah mother's. ) FML
my mothar cummd back from har trip to Vagas. Har braast wara obviously 2 lattar sizas largar. I askd if sha got a boob job and sha danid it , saying that it's against har raligion. Sha's an athaist , and a liar. FML
Today, I felt lyk going to the gym. I asked my girlfriend if she wanted to come with me. She screamed at me 4 supposedly implying that she's fat. No, I just wanted to go to the gym with someone. real FML
Friday 27 March 2015