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Today, I woke up to a hand rubbing my very erect penis, and a woman's peppermint breath in my ear. "Mom?" I called out instinctively, recalling how she always smells like peppermint. The hand stopped rubbing, and I turned to face my very disgusted looking girlfriend of three years. FML
I agree, your life sucks (24317) - you deserved it (67674)
On 05/17/2009 at 2:42am - intimacy - by Ohshit (man) - United States (Texas)
Today, I got home from college. Since I haven't seen my parents in almost a year I sorta expected them to come meet me/pick me up at the airport. Nope. What did I get instead? A text from my dad saying, "I hope you have a key." FML
I agree, your life sucks (34732) - you deserved it (2099)
On 05/16/2009 at 4:05pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Hawaii)
Today, my boyfriend and I were "fooling around." It started to get hot and he took out his penis for the first time. This was the first one I've seen in real life so I decided I'd complimented it. I had no idea what to say so I said, "It's pretty." FML
I agree, your life sucks (50247) - you deserved it (39081)
On 05/16/2009 at 1:44pm - intimacy - by madzlovesgee (woman) - United States (Washington)
Today, I was at the doctor and I had to get a "finger stick" in the lab to get blood drawn. There was a 6 year old boy waiting to go next. He was terrified. His mother told him to "watch this brave girl go first." I panicked and began to hyperventilate. The boy fainted. FML
I agree, your life sucks (38393) - you deserved it (6781)
On 05/16/2009 at 11:20am - misc - by bosssssssss765432 - United States (New York)
Today, I had to pee badly. I went into a stall and sat down. Only until after I'd peed, I realized that I didn't have any toilet paper. I waddled to the next stall with my pants down to get more toilet paper, believing that the bathroom was empty. It wasn't. FML
I agree, your life sucks (12758) - you deserved it (37899)
On 05/16/2009 at 10:47am - misc - by penguinsfan (woman) - Canada (Nova Scotia)
Today, I was selected to give my speech to the entire school. I was later told it had to be censored because it was inappropriate, even though I was just trying to make a point. My speech was on political correctness. My speech on political correctness was censored for political reasons. FML
I agree, your life sucks (37903) - you deserved it (3393)
On 05/16/2009 at 9:06am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, while checking through the graphic novel section of my library, I noticed a gay manga porn comic. While I was wondering who in the world would ever RENT such an item, I realised I had been staring at it for a full five minutes and people were watching me. FML
I agree, your life sucks (13030) - you deserved it (6950)
On 05/15/2009 at 7:07am - intimacy - by dwek (man) - United Kingdom (Bristol)
Today, my best friend got a new boyfriend. She asked him what he wanted for his upcoming birthday, and he said he just wanted to hang out with her and watch a movie or two. I thought it was sweet, so I asked my boyfriend what he would like for his upcoming birthday. He said a blow job. FML
I agree, your life sucks (19927) - you deserved it (32896)
On 05/15/2009 at 1:44am - intimacy - by badboyfriends (woman) - United States (California)
Today, my 6 year old daughter walked in on my husband and I getting it on. Now she won't stop 'pretending to be daddy' against items of furniture. We have guests coming round in three hours. FML
I agree, your life sucks (26843) - you deserved it (38231)
On 05/14/2009 at 8:03pm - kids - by Jessica (woman) - United States (Michigan)
Today, my dad was in town for 1 day. We only had about 3 hours to do something so we left right away. Right as we were about to leave my dads slutty girlfriend came by for a "surprise visit". My dad told me he would be right back. They had sex for 2 hours and 45 minutes. we talked for 15 minutes. FML
I agree, your life sucks (68468) - you deserved it (2527)
On 05/14/2009 at 3:43pm - intimacy - by MacBook (man) - United States (Missouri)
Today, my boyfriend who has been overseas the last four months broke up with me. I sent him a care package two days ago. He'll get homemade cookies (his mom's recipe), naughty videos of me and a letter telling him how much I love him in about a week. FML
I agree, your life sucks (62505) - you deserved it (4610)
On 05/14/2009 at 2:16pm - love - by bettycrocker (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up behind my cat and scare it with a loud "boo!" The cat responded by jumping up, and running across my apartment, which would have been fine, except for the fact she left a trail of liquid shit everywhere she went. FML
I agree, your life sucks (13597) - you deserved it (84669)
On 05/14/2009 at 1:46pm - animals - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Kentucky)
Today, I was home on leave and having breakfast with my parents and my younger brothers. I guess I got too used to the rougher language around the Army barracks where I'm stationed. At the breakfast table I asked my Mom to "pass me the f***ing butter". FML
I agree, your life sucks (22093) - you deserved it (59283)
On 05/14/2009 at 1:13pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Maine)
Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML
I agree, your life sucks (20907) - you deserved it (46263)
On 05/14/2009 at 10:11am - work - by MC (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I was accepted to Harvard's law program. Prestigious right? After hearing the good news the only thing my parents talked about over dinner was who they wanted to win American Idol: Adam, Kris or Danny. FML
I agree, your life sucks (46082) - you deserved it (3552)
On 05/13/2009 at 8:59pm - misc - by NoComparison (woman) - United States (New York)
Monday 20 May 2013
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