About Mortoli : Mostly a loner. But love gaming and anime. I am a security guard. if you ever see a tall guy with headphones in his ears probably me listening to rock. Or techno or X-ray dog. And if you ever wanna chat I'm always up to it. I'm on fml almost daily. I'm always waiting for next persons story.
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Mortoli's favorite FMLs
Today, I work as an assistant to a sculptor. We finished all our projects early so his wife decided to have me clean their kitchen. I wasn't paying attention and picked up a dead mouse. I screamed and threw it away as hard as I could. It hit their five-year-old son in the face. FML
by 2young4birds&bees / 10/24/2016 at 11:53am / Miscellaneous
by full moon / 09/07/2016 at 10:37pm / Canada (Ontario) / Work
by failedparenting / 09/07/2016 at 12:44pm / United States (New York) / Kids
by whoops / 09/02/2016 at 10:49am / United Kingdom (Nottingham) / Work
Today, our art teacher told us we will have to build a giant Coca-Cola bottle made of smaller ones as our art project for next week, meant to represent the damage consumerism does to our environment. I think he doesn’t understand we will have to buy tons of Coke to get the bottles needed. FML
by Earthling / 08/24/2016 at 10:20pm / Colombia (Distrito Especial) / Work
Today, I woke up to an angry and threatening email from a porn company. Apparently, I took a sleeping pill last night and wrote a nasty email to the company about how they mistreat women. The best part: I used a web contact form instead of an email, so I have absolutely no idea what I wrote. FML
by damn you Ambien / 08/03/2016 at 1:48am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, while in the shower with my boyfriend, I tried to heat things up by washing his knob with my loofa. He couldn't stop laughing and eventually laughed so hard that he slipped and fell. He now has a bruised butt while I have a missing toenail from catching his fall. Ouch. FML
by what sex life? / 08/02/2016 at 2:26am / United States (Tennessee) / Intimacy
Today, while at work as a cashier, one lady's total was $1.32. She handed me the dollar, and then apologized. When I looked at her, confused as to what she was sorry about, she went wrist deep into her bra, grabbed some change, and quickly put it into my hand. It was wet and it smelt. FML
by CliffyB03 / 08/01/2016 at 5:00pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work
Today, I learned that the hardest part of marrying a historian is choosing baby names. His top choices derive from two Roman magistrates, two abbesses, a tenth-century author, and an obscure Greek official. I already let him name our pug, for whom he chose the name "Tertullianus." FML
by NeitherHrotsvitNorErkembaldus / 07/29/2016 at 5:21pm / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was playing a game with my family where we had to say the name of an actor/actress that started with a certain letter. When I said mine, my dad grounded me because he knew it was a pornstar. Now my mom is mad at my dad for watching porn too. FML
Today, I was talking to a customer, when I choked on my spit. After I could breathe again I was so embarrassed I said the first thing that popped into my head, which was, "I'm sorry, I don't know how to swallow." FML
Today, I noticed quite a few scars on one of my coworker's legs. I pulled her aside and told her that self-harm was never the answer, and if she needed to talk I was always there. Turns out she's just clumsy and trips a lot. FML
by CyberPsycho / 07/28/2016 at 12:24pm / United States (Tennessee) / Work
Today, I found out why my husband doesn't want me to go to the doc. It's not because of the reasonable copay. It's because he has let 3 other women use my insurance to give birth, in the last 4 years. They are all his. FML
by NoDocVisit / 07/26/2016 at 10:27pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous