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Monster27's favorite FMLs
Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for the first time. Instead of moaning like any normal person, he just kept saying stuff like "uh-huh," "not too bad," and "yup" in a complete monotone. It was probably the most uncomfortable experience of my life. FML
by awkward / 07/26/2013 at 2:00pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, my friends took my work laptop and changed the sounds. Now, whenever I remove a USB device, a woman's voice screams "Put it back!" and when I insert a USB device, it says "Oh, you need to push it in harder!" I don't know how to change it back. FML
by Anonymous / 07/20/2013 at 11:45am / United States (Delaware) / Work
by Anonymous / 07/16/2013 at 12:41am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, while lifeguarding at my local beach, I noticed someone having difficulty swimming back to shore. I ran out and swam him back to shore. Once we were on dry land, he cussed me out for "emasculating" him in front of his girlfriend. FML
by thatkid00117 / 07/15/2013 at 1:15pm / United States (New Jersey) / Work
by Anonymous / 07/11/2013 at 1:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML
by Anonymous / 07/11/2013 at 10:24am / United States / Intimacy
Today, I was at another long swim-meet, when my daughter shaved 15 seconds off her record swim time. When I asked her how she did it, she replied, "Well someone told me to swim as fast as I can." She's just been taking her time all these years. FML
by Anonymous / 07/02/2013 at 12:25pm / United States (Vermont) / Kids
by Anonymous / 06/17/2013 at 4:07pm / United States / Holidays
by instinct / 06/11/2013 at 11:06pm / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 06/09/2013 at 9:52pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by DolphinGirl369 / 06/07/2013 at 12:33am / United States (Iowa) / Animals
by Abrams52 / 05/28/2013 at 1:44am / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 05/28/2013 at 1:05am / United States / Animals
Today, I was working at a place where if you're tipped, you sing. After a lady paid for her ice cream, she pulled out 5 dollars. Thinking it was a tip, I took it, and sang the song. She didn't mean to tip me. I was stopped by the woman slapping me. FML
by anonymous / 05/27/2013 at 8:56pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Work
Today, I had a customer tell me how much she regretted not aborting her expected child, how much she hates the father, and described to me in immense detail what it is like to pee while pregnant. All within the 30 seconds it took me to serve her. FML
by mmmretail / 05/25/2013 at 1:09am / Australia (Victoria) / Work