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MattRoseen's FML badges
Keen reader – Level: master ninja
You have voted for 50% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.
Keen reader – Level: student ninja
You have voted for 15% of the entire collection of FMLs to date.
Hard at Work
Voting on an FML from the Work category on a Monday between 8 and 9am, how ironic.
MattRoseen's favorite FMLs
Today, I awoke to my husband talking to someone on the phone at 2am. I heard him say, "Baby you're making me hard." Immediately, I asked him who he was talking to. His response? "It's Jake, from State Farm." FML
by anonymous / 03/27/2013 at 7:55pm / United States (Hawaii) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 03/27/2013 at 12:54pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, I came home from a relaxing, peaceful vacation. When I got home my 4-year-old son was free-balling with poop all over his body, screaming "Bob the Builder will kick your ass." The baby sitter is nowhere to be found and I can't get him to stop saying, "I love ass." FML
by Anonymous / 03/27/2013 at 4:00am / United States (California) / Holidays
Today, I was at my job, waiting tables. A fellow server and myself were given a party of 14 Bible thumpers. They left us $9.00 and a mini Bible after awesome service, telling us we did a great job. Unfortunately, Religion doesn't pay my car payment. FML
by PrayingForMoney / 03/25/2013 at 4:48am / United States (California) / Money
by SierraDiaz2097 / 03/23/2013 at 1:44am / United States (Mississippi) / Love
by Anonymous / 03/22/2013 at 7:21pm / Canada (Ontario) / Love
by eww. / 03/22/2013 at 1:28am / Australia / Love
by Why son, why? / 03/20/2013 at 7:07am / United States / Intimacy
by OptimusVader / 03/13/2013 at 9:36am / United States / Intimacy
Today, I asked my boyfriend to give me a back rub. He claimed that he had a sore hand, so I retorted, "You have two hands, right?" Still bitter about not being able to have sex with me while I'm on my period, he shot back, "You have two holes, right?" I give up. FML
by Lilypad / 03/11/2013 at 8:21pm / Intimacy
Today, I woke to find my laptop and printer covered in what smells like pee. My boyfriend then confessed to me that he occasionally "sleep-pees". It's like sleepwalking, but where he urinates on random objects. FML
by marcymoo / 03/11/2013 at 12:09am / Australia (Western Australia) / Miscellaneous
Today, my psychopathic ex-girlfriend spray-painted "Free Candy" on the side of my van, knowing damn well I have to park it in front of an elementary school on a daily basis to pick up my daughter. FML
by cjw / 03/05/2013 at 7:07pm / United States / Kids
by NOIDIDNOT / 11/19/2012 at 1:21am / United States (Arizona) / Health
by mountains / 11/18/2012 at 7:47pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, yet again, my boss whined to me like a baby over being "friend-zoned" by his secretary. Not only does he basically stalk her and make her eat lunch with him every day, she's a lesbian in a committed relationship. He suspended me after I lost it and told him to see a fucking therapist. FML
by wow @ creepy fuckers / 11/16/2012 at 8:06pm / United States / Work