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Language_girl97's favorite FMLs
Today, I came home from a year long backpacking trip in Europe. During my absence my parents divorced, dad took the house and most of the money, sister is seven months pregnant, brother was arrested for statutory rape, and my mom pawned all my stuff to buy booze to "cope." Oh, and my fish died. FML
by Anonymous / 12/28/2009 at 7:08am / United States (Washington) / Holidays
Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. I told her best friend the plan the day before. I got reservations to a restaurant on the beach, and we were going to arrive via boat. She never showed. Her parents called me asking why she left town to go to Paris. FML
by hoplessG / 12/24/2009 at 6:37pm / United States / Love
Today, I found out that when an officer screams, "DON'T MOVE OR I'LL TASE YOU", it really means, "If you so much as flinch I'm going to shoot and 50,000 volts will be directed through your nose and groin." FML
by Anonymous / 12/16/2009 at 11:02pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, while taking a shower, I saw shadows moving across the curtains. The shadow turned out to be a cricket that then fell into the tub. I ran out of the bathroom screaming and naked. My little sister came to my door and said, "If I hadn't just seen your balls, I would swear mom had TWO daughters." FML
by Anonymous / 12/11/2009 at 8:03pm / United States (Ohio) / Miscellaneous
Today, my girlfriend and I decided to try cybersex, because we rarely see each other these days. We only used text. Halfway through, I noticed that she started being more demanding. As it turns out, my girlfriend had left the room and her older brother had walked in and taken over. FML
by Anon / 12/05/2009 at 9:19am / United Kingdom (Leicester) / Intimacy
by ? / 11/29/2009 at 2:59am / United States / Miscellaneous
by CT / 11/25/2009 at 1:42am / United States (Nebraska) / Miscellaneous
Today, I decided to surprise my wife at her softball game. I saw her distinctive motorcycle jacket through the canvas dugout wall and decided that I would feel her up from behind, to surprise her. She lent her jacket to a friend. FML
by rider / 11/24/2009 at 5:58am / Qatar (Ad Dawhah) / Intimacy
Today, I was sitting with a friend who moved back into town, and he told me about how he hooked up with a girl at a bar last night. I asked him if she was hot, he responded "Yeah, I have a picture of her on my phone." It was a picture of my girlfriend. FML
by anonymous / 11/21/2009 at 3:00am / United States (Indiana) / Miscellaneous
Today, when I walked up to my car, all my windows were smashed. Thankfully, all I keep in my car is jumper cables, a pen, my car insurance and manual. Whoever smashed my windows apparently was pissed, 'cos they left a note saying "F**k you and your f**king station wagon". FML
by Smashed / 11/15/2009 at 6:16pm / United States (Illinois) / Transportation
by yellowjacket_34 / 11/13/2009 at 12:47pm / United States (Montana) / Health
Today, I was reading my students' Halloween stories I made them write for my creative writing class in high school. One of my students wrote about attacking me. She got my street address perfect and everything. FML
by Teaching / 11/12/2009 at 2:17am / United States (California) / Kids
Today, I found out that I didn't get a job because I failed the psychological analysis. It told me to answer each question and tell the truth. So I did. I ask my friend, who got the job, if she told the truth. She said no. Apparently you have to lie in order to get a job. Sorry for being honest. FML
by samantha711 / 11/09/2009 at 9:28pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Work
by Joe / 11/01/2009 at 11:35am / United States (Wisconsin) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 10/28/2009 at 1:42am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Miscellaneous
- Today, my husband got out of the shower, came downstairs naked screaming ''EMBRACE THE HARDNESS!!''… Today, I went on a road trip with my boyfriend and his best friend. What I thought was going to be… Today, I found the list my wife made of the things she was going to give up for Lent. The first one…