Why do i have so many fkn visits? lol
Today, at work, my stomach hurt and I passed gas for relief. Moments later, I discovered that my loose, silent "fart" was actually a wet, sneaky shart. The mess was beyond repair; I had to fake a family emergency and crept out of the office so that my coworkers wouldn't see my obvious crap stain. FML
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On 10/12/2009 at 2:10pm - health - by Few_Absolutes (woman) - United States (Maryland)
Today, it was my wedding day. Everything went great, except that no one showed up. Apparently, the address of the invitation was typed wrong. FML
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On 10/01/2009 at 9:28am - misc - by notmarriedyet (woman) - United States (Georgia)
Today, I was at my school's spaghetti dinner with my family. My brother shook up my mom's soda, as a prank. My entire class witnessed my mom waving around an overflowing Diet Coke while my dad yelled, "Come on, put your mouth on it! Suck it! Suck it, Kathy!!" FML
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On 08/18/2009 at 3:20pm - misc - by gbhlaughingstock (man) - United States
Today, a girl was tailgating me, even though I was going at speed limit. Annoyed, I drove 10 mph under the speed limit, and every time she honked, I went 5mph slower. Too bad she got the last laugh... I was pulled over for "reckless driving." FML
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On 08/17/2009 at 12:44am - misc - by tailgaterhater - United States (Washington)
Today, my boyfriend who likes to get high was driving me insisting he wasn't currently high. A family of deer was standing on the side of the road and he pulled over by them waited until they walked closer to us and said, "what seems to be the problem officers?" He wasn't kidding. FML
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On 08/07/2009 at 2:34am - misc - by Jstar - France (Nord-Pas-de-Calais)
Today, I was picking my daughter up at day care. She was outside playing kick ball. A red ball strangely rolls over to me, and trying to impress the kids, I kicked it over the slide. I turn around to see three crying six year olds. It was their hamster ball. FML
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On 08/05/2009 at 1:10pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)
Today, my enraged girlfriend told me she was fired from her nurse job for no reason. I called her employer to find out why. He told me that she was caught "helping out" a male patient, and that supposedly she has done the same with just about every good looking guy that comes into the hospital. FML
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On 08/03/2009 at 3:25pm - work - by Anonymous (man) - Canada (New Brunswick)
Today, my cousins and I were bored so we began talking about weird dreams we've had. My little cousin turns to me and says "I had a dream you were in a beauty contest. You lost badly". FML
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On 08/03/2009 at 3:37am - kids - by anonymous (woman) - Taiwan (T'ai-pei)
Today, I was working my shift at a fancy restaurant and it had been a really hard day. My parents came in to have dinner and surprise me. After paying, they left a note saying they would see me at home. It also said "By the way, no tip, because you stink at serving." FML
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On 08/02/2009 at 3:12pm - work - by waiterrrrrrrrr (woman) - United States (Iowa)
Today, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. After tearfully explaining to my boyfriend, in detail, how bad this dream was, he told me to "put on my big girl panties" and make him breakfast. FML
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On 07/24/2009 at 2:40am - love - by vanguardwiley (woman) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I bust my lip when a car bumped into mine. As I headed home, I was stopped by the police who told me my back light was out. I tried to explain, but it just came out as "fghjiljh" because of my lip. I was arrested on suspicion of drinking and driving. FML
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On 07/23/2009 at 5:19pm - misc - by Gg (man) - United Kingdom (Bradford)
Today, I was in the living room with my brother and his two older, hot friends when my mother walks out from the toilet and tells me, "Honey, if you sprinkle when you tinkle, be a sweetie wipe the seatie." Need I say more? FML
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On 07/22/2009 at 5:48am - misc - by Mortified (woman) - Australia (Queensland)
Today, I was taking a shower when my boyfriend suddenly hopped in with me. We were getting a little frisky when my mom's hand unexpectedly came through the curtain, and dropped a condom in the bottom of the shower, all the while saying, "Keep it safe kids!". FML
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On 07/21/2009 at 3:45pm - intimacy - by uh-oh (woman) - United States (New Mexico)
Today, after not seeing my boyfriend for 9 months, he came to meet me at the airport. I was so excited when I first saw him that I broke into a sprint to greet him. Apparently, running through the airport looks suspicious, because a security guard tackled me. Now I have a broken nose. FML
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On 07/19/2009 at 9:49am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey)
Today, I woke up when the guy I had spent the night with slid out of bed. When he realized I was awake, he looked down at me, shook his head, and said "I've gotta lay off the beer..." FML
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On 07/18/2009 at 7:31pm - intimacy - by blackntangirl (woman) - United States (Illinois)
