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Kdoodha's favorite FMLs
Today, while doing my job as a cart clerk, a gentleman went around the parking lot and picked some trash up, trying to help out. Faith in humanity: +1. About an hour later I saw a woman pick a bug off of her windshield and eat it. Faith in humanity: -200. FML
by TJ / 08/08/2012 at 7:23am / United States (Washington) / Work
Today, I was walking home from work, when a clearly homeless guy who smelled like Jimmy Hoffa's colon grabbed me, pinned me to a wall, and demanded that I hand over my "booty". I don't know whether or not I was mugged by Jack Sparrow, but either way, he's now over £100 richer. FML
by Anonymous / 07/27/2012 at 3:26pm / United Kingdom (Midlothian) / Miscellaneous
Today, I got into a debate with my boyfriend over whether or not oral sex was considered sex. I stood firm that it was not. Apparently, he took this as permission, as later that night I walked in on him not having sex with my sister. FML
by oops / 07/15/2012 at 1:34am / United States / Intimacy
by LetItRip / 07/12/2012 at 4:35pm / Czech Republic (Hlavni mesto Praha) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML
by Anonymous / 07/10/2012 at 6:03am / United States / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 07/03/2012 at 7:50pm / Australia (Victoria) / Intimacy
Today, my sister asked me if I was going to be getting married "for real" this time, because she didn't want to waste her money like she did on my previous engagement. The reason that one didn't work out in the first place is because she slept with my fiancé. FML
by Anonymous / 06/16/2012 at 3:03pm / Canada (Alberta) / Love
by sickness_sucks / 06/15/2012 at 2:19am / Canada (British Columbia) / Health
by quick blow / 05/15/2012 at 10:53pm / United States / Intimacy
Today, I went on a picnic with my boyfriend's family. I thought it would be nice to wear my sundress and cowgirl boots. The wind repeatedly picked up my dress in front of everyone, including my boyfriend's seedy grandpa, who I have to admit can do a pretty good wolf-whistle. FML
by EyeSeeYou / 05/02/2012 at 2:34pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, after several years of having her help me out by doing household chores, I bought my fifteen-year-old daughter a new pair of jeans. Her reaction was to squeal, "Master has presented Dobby with clothes. Dobby is free!" FML
by Anonymous / 04/13/2012 at 10:06pm / France / Miscellaneous
Today, I learned that my mother now refuses to drink anything but bottled water because she actually believes that the government is putting a chemical in tap water that lowers pregnancy rates. She is trying for her 5th child. FML
by rusrs / 03/29/2012 at 10:16pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous
by J Rush / 03/21/2012 at 7:46am / United Kingdom (Powys) / Health
by starboy / 03/10/2012 at 1:50am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by wallets / 02/29/2012 at 2:47am / United States / Work
- Today, I’m a French teacher in Ukraine, and in class we were debating gun legislation. In order to… Today, on my way home to Bordeaux after a weekend in Paris, I had the pleasure of being sat next to… Today, I told my son off because he lost a form. A form that I later found in my right-hand pocket.…