About Kandyland : My life is completely f*ed.
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Kandyland's favorite FMLs
Today, I was spending Saint Patrick's Day with my girlfriend, when she started pinching me for not wearing green. To my complete shock, when she pinched my nipple, I got the biggest, most noticeable erection I've ever had in my life, and no matter what I did, it wouldn't go away. We were in public. FML
by Mr. Sensitive Nips / 03/17/2011 at 6:38pm / United States (Texas) / Intimacy
by Albert06 / 03/14/2011 at 5:26pm / France / Love
by randinosaur / 03/13/2011 at 8:48am / United States (Delaware) / Transportation
Today, I bought my fiancée a dress for her birthday. She accused me of saying she was fat, because I bought it in medium rather than small. After trying on the dress, she's now not only mad at me for buying it, but also because the dress fits perfectly. FML
by drebel / 03/09/2011 at 5:27pm / United States (Texas) / Love
by MommyLovesMe / 03/08/2011 at 10:21am / United States (Georgia) / Money
Today, we had to discuss our heritage at school. When I told the class that I am German, Japanese, and of the Jewish faith, the teacher loudly laughs at the "irony." Something like this happens whenever I tell people my background. FML
by Anonymous / 03/06/2011 at 12:18am / United States / Miscellaneous
by nick / 03/05/2011 at 8:42pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health
Today, I was performing a show about pirates for a youth program. A child started crying because I wasn't a real pirate. A little girl took my defense: "He's a real pirate, his teeth are all yellow!" FML
by Anonymous / 03/05/2011 at 1:07am / Canada (Quebec) / Kids
Today, I was riding my motorcycle on the highway and wearing all of my gear - boots, gloves, jacket, and full-face helmet. Somehow a bee found the only spot not covered on my body and stung my neck. I'm allergic to bees. FML
by greenchan / 02/25/2011 at 12:12am / United States (Vermont) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 02/20/2011 at 7:19pm / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous
by Lovenem / 02/16/2011 at 12:51pm / United States (Indiana) / Intimacy
Today, I rummaged around in the attic, looking for old pictures of me and my family, so I could make a surprise collage. Instead, I found my dad's old journals, talking about how desperately he didn't want a kid, and how he wanted to leave my mother more and more every day that passed since I was born. FML
by surfergal91 / 02/14/2011 at 3:12pm / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to go use an automatic cart in Walmart because I broke my hip in January. They were all being used by morbidly obese people throughout the store. I asked a manager if she could get me one, but apparently their weight issues are more impeding than my broken hip. FML
by LimpMcgee / 02/06/2011 at 9:36pm / United States (Maryland) / Health
Today, I got chickenpox. I'm 28 and having chickenpox as an adult is excruciatingly painful. When I told my boss I wasn't going to be at work today because of chickenpox he replied, "That's the worst excuse I've ever heard. Adults don't get chickenpox." He then fired me. FML
by Pox / 02/03/2011 at 10:19pm / United States (Illinois) / Health
- Today, my girlfriend and I were having sex in the janitor's closet of the pet store where I work.… Today, while begging my wife for sex for once, she told me she didn't have time. I said it wouldn't… Today, as I snuck downstairs for a midnight movie, I witnessed my dad "polishing his wand" to Harry…