About Kandyland : My life is completely f*ed.
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Kandyland's favorite FMLs
Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML
by Mulee / 03/07/2009 at 7:03am / Belgium (Brussels Hoofdstedelijk Gewest) / Intimacy
Today, I was talking to my mom. During the conversation she asked me, "Does he take his leg off when you guys are having sex?" Referring to the guy I've been seeing who has a prosthetic leg. My dad then asked, "Does he beat you with it too if you've been naughty?" FML
by Girl123999 / 03/04/2009 at 6:07pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I was in spanish class, having a debate about the death penalty. When I went to make a point, I meant to say "La pena de muerte", which means "The death penalty". I said, "La pene de muerte". Turns out that means, "The penis of death". FML
by Señor Guapo / 03/04/2009 at 12:42pm / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. Being the stud that I am, after a short time I turned to her and said "You think you're ready for a round two?" She replied "No, but I do think I'm ready for the rest of round one." FML
by saddude / 03/04/2009 at 2:03am / United States (District of Columbia) / Intimacy
Today, I was walking through Borders with my girlfriend, when we pass a girl scout cookies stand. I see a box of Samoas, my favorite, point at them, and shout, 'YEAH'. My girlfriend looks shocked. Behind the box of cookies was a five year old scout bending over, with her bottom pointed at me. FML
by Scottrick / 03/01/2009 at 12:55pm / United States (Virginia) / Love
Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimers. FML
by Originality18 / 02/23/2009 at 9:22pm / United States (Michigan) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was DJ'ing a wedding. The groom wanted a song played for his grandma and grandpa. I announce over the microphone for his grandparents to come to the dance floor for a special song. Turns out his grandparents have been dead for over a year and the song was supposed to be in dedication. FML
by holladaddy / 02/23/2009 at 7:04pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
Today, I found out my teacher writes descriptions next to people's names on the register to remind him who people were. By mistake the descriptions appeared on the computer projector. Next to my name it said "Tubby". FML
by atterz123 / 02/12/2009 at 8:37am / United Kingdom (Lincolnshire) / Miscellaneous
by frenchy / 02/05/2009 at 7:55pm / United States (Oklahoma) / Miscellaneous
Today, I am studying abroad in Mexico and someone asked me what it's like to be from Minnesota. I responded in Spanish, in front of thirty people, what I thought translated to, "If you get cold, you can just put on a jacket." Apparently, what I thought meant "jacket" actually meant "masturbate". FML
by Sally / 01/25/2009 at 7:06pm / United States (Minnesota) / Miscellaneous
by bloom / 12/16/2008 at 11:10pm / Love
by james / 12/14/2008 at 8:14am / United Kingdom (London) / Intimacy
Today, as I was taking my three year old daughter home from daycare, she asked where her daddy was. I tried to tell her that I was her father, but she answered, "No, not you! My other daddy!" I've got some talking to do tonight. FML
by LifeSucks / 10/29/2008 at 7:57am / Canada (Quebec) / Kids
- Today, a car almost hit me. Since I wasn’t hurt, the driver chased me with a baseball bat to finish… Today, I’m in Rome for Halloween. I went out with few friends and spent the night with a man. The… Today, on the road in China, I committed a small offense. A cop saw me, stopped me and told me that…