If you know me you hate me. My friend chad is in the top FML he was dumped for a fictional vampire, I'm still laughing at him.
Today, I was riding my bike and stopped at a street light. A little girl looked at me, then asked her mother, "Mommy, why does that girl have a ring through her nose?" Her mother then replied, "Because her parents don't love her." FML
I agree, your life sucks (47004) - you totally deserved it (9285)
On 04/05/2009 at 3:33pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I was walking downtown when a group of teens asked me for directions to the local church. Being a priest I was happy to take them. In my sermon I mentioned them and how anyone can find their way to Jesus. Later I noticed I was missing cash. They had pickpocketed my wallet. FML
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On 03/30/2009 at 8:05am - money - by Tobias (man) - Australia (Queensland)
Today, a 7 year old girl randomly came up to me and told me to fuck myself. I told her to watch her language or else I'd tell her parents. Her mom happened to be nearby and actually heard this conversation, she came up to me and told me to fuck myself as well. FML
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On 03/30/2009 at 1:06am - kids - by Wmsys32pr9 (man) - United States (Washington)
Today, I was masturbating in my room when my dog started to bark obnoxiously. He does this all the time so i ignored it and kept going. This went on for about a half hour. When i went downstairs, I found an open door and an empty TV stand. FML
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On 03/29/2009 at 10:08pm - misc - by trainE - United States (Michigan)
Today, I was getting sick of listening to the guy in the next room over getting nasty with some girl, so I called my girlfriend to see if she wanted to go get some food. Then I heard her phone ring. Through the wall. FML
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On 03/28/2009 at 4:18pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (New York)
Today, me and my friend decided to spy on my crush. He lives across the street, so we climbed on the roof of my house and watched him with binoculars. He was working out, and after 5 minutes he started writing something. He put a piece of paper against the window and it said, 'Stop watching me.' FML
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On 03/27/2009 at 8:24pm - misc - by Creep (woman) - Canada (British Columbia)
Today, my girlfriend decided to strip me naked and blindfold me, then told me I'd get a reward if I caught her. So I ran around naked and blindfolded till I caught her, and then I yelled, "I want my prize on the kitchen table!" It was her mom who'd just got back from work. FML
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On 03/27/2009 at 3:20pm - intimacy - by pdjordan (man) - India (Maharashtra)
Today, our entire crew team was at a yoga studio for an introductory yoga lesson. All my teammates could talk about how hot the yoga instructor was in her tight spandex while doing the sexy yoga poses. Everyone, including the coach, wanted to do her. The yoga instructor is my mom. FML
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On 03/27/2009 at 2:43pm - misc - by unitywoods (man) - United States (Maryland)
Today, I was packing my son's lunch and we ran out of water bottles. I asked my 16 years old to run to the store. She didnt want to but gave me one she had. After dropping my son off, my daughter frantically told me she made a mistake. I sent my second grader to school with a bottle of vodka. FML
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On 03/27/2009 at 2:42pm - misc - by badmom (woman) - United States (Wisconsin)
Today, I was feeling sick and having trouble breathing easily. I decided to take a nap and apparently ended up sleeping with my mouth wide open since breathing was an issue. I woke up to my boyfriend trying to put his penis in my mouth. FML
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On 03/26/2009 at 9:45pm - misc - by coughandcold (woman) - United States (California)
Today, I was taking the metro into DC for my internship. Two guys came in and started talking to each other in Arabic. One boy turned to the other said "Do you think shes cute?" The other responded "Her face is hideous but she has nice tits." I am fluent in Arabic. They were looking at me. FML
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On 03/26/2009 at 2:08pm - misc - by sweet (woman) - United States (District of Columbia)
Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML
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On 03/26/2009 at 7:41am - intimacy - by JAY22 (man) - United States (Florida)
Today, while at the Golden Gate Bridge, I spotted a large group of Asians trying to take a picture. Trying to be a diplomat, I slowly say "You... want me... take picture?" while using hand motions. The man looks at me and says "No thanks asshole, I got it," in plain English. FML
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On 03/26/2009 at 3:19am - misc - by Tourist (man) - United States (California)
Today, I was at a club with my girlfriend of only two weeks. As we were dancing, another woman grabbed my ass from behind me and squeezed. I yelped and turned around to see my mother as the culprit. My girlfriend punched her. I found out my mother is a Cougar and my girl has a mean right hook. FML
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On 03/23/2009 at 1:10pm - intimacy - by VinnyGoombots (man) - United States (New York)
Today, I was taking a shower with my new boyfriend for the first time. Last night was the first night we spent together. As I was washing my hair, I looked down at my feet and noticed yellow water. Some of the warm water I felt on my feet was not from the shower head. FML
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On 03/18/2009 at 9:47am - intimacy - by Marcela (woman) - United States (District of Columbia)
