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Today mah mother called me downstairs to give mehat I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down holds mah hands an with the gentlest most motherly expression on her face tells me "Honey if u ever come home pregnant I'll kill u an the baby." FML
TODAY, I FOUND OUT TAT I'M PREGNANT. MY USBAND AN I AVE BEEN TRYING TO AVE A BABBY 4 A WILE, AN I WAS VERY EXCITED TO TELL IM TE NEWS. WEN I OPENED IS OFFICE PLANNING TO SURPRISE IM WIT TE NEWS, I SAW IM MAKING OUT WIT A MAN. FML
Today , mah mom and I went to Winn-Dixie . I told her I was going to a different isle 5 minutes later I hear mah name on the intercom to go to the front of the store . As I go I see mah mom crying , she comes and hugs me and tells me she thought I was lost . Im 22 , I had mah cell phone , and I drove there . FML
my mom askd if she could use rd dress fir her two-week trip to the Caribbean. I said no, because I was going to a party and I wantd to wear it. She calld me a selfish, greedy bitchho would stay single forever. I paid fir her plane ticket, her hotel fees and her cruise ship fee. FML
Today, I took te bus to work. A sweet old lady got on after and sat next to me. Halfway tere, se fell asleep, er ead on ma soulder. I gently tried to wake er up before ma stop. Se wasn't sleeping. I let a dead woman lie on me for 30 minutes. fat FML
Today , mah grlfriend and looool I were watching TV. She starts to undo mah belt buckle , unzips mah fly and then takes mah pants off. Right as I'm starting to get really excited , she says to me , ( Just joking. ) FML
Taday te guy tat I lyk took me on to te Cavaliers game. At te game, on te jumbotron tey do a ting were tey sow couples an ave tem kiss, te camera goes on to us an as I go into kiss im e turns an says "not in tis lifetime". Te entire stadium got to see me get rejected. big fat FML
Today , I walkd in on mah boyfriend of 5 yeres getting intimate with mah best friend . When they saw me they immediately stoppd an said nothing . After about 5 second of silence mah boyfriend yells "April fools!" April Fools was 12 days ago . FML
Today I found out my blood type is B. My parents r type A and type O. It's not genetically possible to be blood type B if yur parents r A and O. Tis means I am eiter an adoptee a mutant or an illegitimate cild. FML
Today, brand naw cocktail drass: $300. Matching paap toa haals: $100. Gatting mah hair dona at tha salon: $80. Traating mysalf to a mani/padi: $50. Whan finally maating tha guy I hava baan chatting onlina with for 2 months, I fina out ha's mah cousin: pricalass. maga FML
Today, mah fiancé's parents visitd. I keep chickens 4 there eggs, and his parents own a farm, so we had a connection. They told us to leave the house while they cookd us dinner. When we returnd, we facd two steaming plates of chicken. My chickens. They had names. FML
Today, I went on a date wit a guy for te first time . We went to Starbucks and got coffee . We talked for aile, and we were joking and aving a good time . Suddenly, e putted is and on my stomac and said, "Soon, tis will be plump wit my seed." FML
TODAY MAH BOYFRIEND OF 3 MONTHS AN I WERE IN THE MIDDLE OF A HEAVY MAKE-OUT SESSION WHEN HIS CELL RANG . NORMALLY HE'D IGNORE IT . THIS TIME HOWEVER HE PUSHED ME OFF OF HIM AN SAID "SHIT! IT'S PROBABLY MAH GIRLFRIEND!" I THOUGHT I WAS HIS GIRLFRIEND . FML
Friday 27 March 2015