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Jacob_Stoops's FML badges
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Jacob_Stoops's favorite FMLs
Today, I finally talked my boyfriend into going down on me. Everything went well until I came and instinctively gripped his head with my thighs. He panicked and we both rolled off of the bed crocodile-style. Now he's too scared to even have sex with me. FML
by whyeventry? / 08/02/2013 at 12:39am / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy
Today, I was reading in my apartment. Due to a heatwave and my lack of AC, I was completely naked. My cat jumped onto my lap, and as her claws dug into my stomach, I recoiled. This caused her to retreat, clawing at my nether regions in the process. My pussy mauled my pussy. FML
by Anonymous / 07/29/2013 at 5:18pm / United States / Animals
Today, I was in a restroom, reading this site, when another gentleman walked in. He washed his hands, dried them, nodded at me, then left. It wouldn't ordinarily be so weird, except I was in a one-person restroom. FML
by Anonymous / 07/15/2013 at 3:25pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
by Blizzards / 07/14/2013 at 1:29am / United States (Maryland) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 07/13/2013 at 5:10pm / United States (Maryland) / Work
Today, after a haircut, I walked to the cash register, handed the hairdresser a $20 bill and said, "Keep the change." He looked at me with a blank expression and replied, "The haircut costs 25 dollars." FML
by RickTheBoy / 07/10/2013 at 8:38am / Canada (Ontario) / Miscellaneous
Today, I finally worked up the courage to ask my crush to a movie. What I didn't realise is that she would bring a "friend" along, and that I would have to sit next to them making out for 2 hours. FML
by thirdwheel / 07/09/2013 at 7:05am / Australia (Queensland) / Love
Today, my grandmother made a rule that every time we take a crap, she has to examine the turds to make sure they aren't big enough to clog up the pipes. I don't know what's worse: that she looks at my turds, or the fact that she actively comments on them. FML
by Anonymous / 06/22/2013 at 1:01am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I spotted a girl I have a crush on while grocery shopping. Before I could go over and say hi, I noticed her walk over and stroke a few kitchen knives through plastic wrapping. Then I spotted her in the dog food section sniffing rawhide bones with her eyes closed, looking very happy. FML
by grocerystalker / 11/16/2012 at 12:58am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was sexing it up with my boyfriend. Halfway through, he looked at me and said, "Y'know what you never see in a porno? Intellectual conversation. Read any good books lately?" He wouldn't keep going until I answered. FML
by eakthegeek / 01/10/2012 at 4:36am / United States / Intimacy
Today, I got a letter of complaint from my landlord. It said my loud, obnoxious trampling is disturbing my downstairs neighbor, and I have to stop. I'm small and hardly weigh anything, but it seems that if I want to keep my lease, I'll have to master the art of levitating. FML
by Anonymous / 11/18/2011 at 3:49pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Miscellaneous
Today, a friend posted the Facebook status "Ahhh... relief." Trying to be funny, I replied "Why? Did you just poop?" A few hours later, I read her previous posts and found out her dad's in the hospital having heart surgery. Now everyone thinks I'm a heartless dick. FML
by Anonymous / 06/26/2011 at 4:25pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 05/22/2011 at 4:31pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by triplenipple / 01/10/2011 at 3:35pm / Sweden (Skane Lan) / Health
by mydadsawsooomuch / 11/17/2010 at 8:26am / United States (Kentucky) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I’m a bus driver in Paris. A guy got on with a sheep. I told him that you can’t take the bus… Today, after shaking my boss's hand, I noticed that he had a piece of toilet paper stuck to one of… Today, I took a restroom break in a Japanese train station. I couldn’t find the toilet flush, so I…