Submit your FML story
- - Please note that spam and nonsensical stories will result in you being blocked from accessing FML.
About J352SAURUS : Um... Hi... My name's Dory... No, I'm kidding, my name's Jess, I'm Australian and, despite what my profile says, I do, in fact, live in Australia. I'm in high school and I'm very interested in languages for some reason unbeknownst to me. I learn Spanish and Italian and I was learning German but I quit, intending to do it again later. I have many interests/hobbies that might make me boring but whatever. I love dinosaurs and Jurassic Park (Hence, J352SAURUS), Disney movies, The Walking Dead, Harry Potter, Grimm, Top Gear, TBBT, reading, writing, sleeping, swimming, making movies, listening to music, derping on the Internet, camping, travelling, video games and loads of other stuff.
Remember that Cedric Diggory was a brave Hufflepuff, Luna Lovegood was a fun-loving Ravenclaw, Horace Slughorn was a caring Slytherin, and Peter Pettigrew was a back-stabbing Gryffindor. Please stop stereotyping.
Also, in my profile picture, I'm in a hut at the Grand Canyon. Just thought you should know.
This isn't what should be happening
You've set the cat off again, he's started pushing fruit out of bodies of water. Well done.
Checking you out
You checked out the profile page belonging to one of the last people to have a look at your profile.
You’ve used FML’s private messaging service for the first time. Will they reply? Wait and see…
Today, I stumbled across one of my son's English assignments. Apparently, he decided to submit a haiku about how electrical outlets are technically "whores" because they hook up with countless cords for a "charge." I don't know whether to be amused or furious. FML
Today, my 9-year-old daughter was acting out and wouldn't do her homework. I told her that if she didn't study, she wouldn't get her acceptance letter from Hogwarts. She looked into my eyes, straight through to my soul and said, "Hogwarts isn't real, retard." FML
Today, as always, I have Tourette's syndrome. It causes me to occasionally make a beeping noise. My boyfriend just figured out that if he beeps back, it makes me beep again. He thinks it's hilarious and won't stop. FML
Today, I was watching the movie Frozen with my 8 year old daughter. I had seen it before, so I sung along with some of the songs. My daughter put a finger over my lips, said "Shhhhhhhhut the fuck up," then turned back to the TV, giggling. FML
Today, it's been almost a week since I returned from my vacation to Ireland. Before I rarely drank. Now I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. You might think I'm joking, but I've woken up hungover every day since I landed there. I basically paid to kill my liver and become AA's next poster child. FML
Today, my girlfriend took our prank war way too far and had a package sent to me at home. Confused, I opened it. It contained a dildo and a bottle of lube. I didn't know my dad was watching over my shoulder until I heard him choke on his coffee and felt it splash over my neck. FML
Friday 14 November 2014