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HisLeftHand

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HisLeftHand's favorite FMLs

Today, while at a private lake, my colon declared a state of evacuation. I ventured as far from my family as my sphincter would allow, only to make eye contact with two very horrified kayakers mid-explosion. FML

#20830594
94 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42072) - you deserved it (4889)

On 08/10/2013 at 11:23am - health - by Oh-Shit! - United States

Today, I was babysitting a little boy for the first time. He kept using all sorts of profanity toward me the whole evening, so I told his mom when she picked him up. She just grunted and muttered, "Fucking cunt-ass snitch." FML

#20794280
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (55286) - you deserved it (4651)

On 07/20/2013 at 3:37pm - money - by Nick (man) - United States (California)

Today, I came home from work to my hot roommate cooking and wearing nothing but an apron. She pulled me into her room and things went great. At least, they did before I woke up in the break room with my coworkers and boss all gathered around, listening to me talking in my sleep. FML

#20793742
78 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52621) - you deserved it (8970)

On 07/20/2013 at 4:35am - work - by Dirty_Mind_69 (man) - United States (Louisiana)

Today, I was at the park playing Frisbee with my friends, when I saw a boy sitting on a bench looking rather sad. "Hey!" I yelled, and he looked up at me. I lightly threw the Frisbee in his direction, and it hit him in the face. He was blind. FML

#20788974
116 comments

I agree, your life sucks (54606) - you deserved it (17021)

On 07/17/2013 at 7:15pm - kids - by WasntMe - United States

Today, trying to be funny in front of some friends, I held my cat above my head Lion King style. The height must have made him nervous, because he shat on my head. FML

#20788265
115 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27932) - you deserved it (49825)

On 07/17/2013 at 12:02pm - animals - by Anonymous - Canada (Ontario)

Today, while visiting my grandparents, I used one of their blankets to keep warm. Later, I saw their dog getting busy with said blanket. When my grandparents saw my look of horror, they explained that he has "sexual relations" with the blanket every night. Thanks for telling me, guys. FML

#20788038
62 comments

I agree, your life sucks (44557) - you deserved it (3714)

On 07/17/2013 at 7:56am - animals - by Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to pull one of those toy stretchy hands out of my dog's butthole. It slapped me in the face when I finally got it out. FML

#20787584
113 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56400) - you deserved it (6675)

On 07/17/2013 at 12:48am - animals - by anonymous - United States (Texas)

Today, I was about to make a left turn. In the turn lane a little old lady was waiting for the light to change. On the back of her car was a bumper sticker that said "Honk if you love Jesus!" I gave her a honk and waved. She leaned out and yelled, "The light's red, asshole." FML

#20786059
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (45601) - you deserved it (13539)

On 07/16/2013 at 9:12am - misc - by TNDriver (man) - United States (Tennessee)

Today, my fiancé paid a visit to my parents so he could ask my dad's permission to marry me. My dad responded with, "Why buy the cow when you can milk it for free?" FML

#20757403
69 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51173) - you deserved it (4311)

On 07/01/2013 at 2:38am - love - by Gracie-Ann (woman) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I foolishly thought that I was alone in the house, and let out a huge fart on the toilet. This went on for a while due to an upset stomach. I later walked into the living room only to find my parents and a few of their friends sitting on the couch, teary-eyed from laughing so much. FML

Today, while volunteering at a local museum, I politely told an elderly gentleman to have a nice day. He responded by yelling "NO" and storming off. Everyone looked at me like I was some sort of monster. FML

#20741264
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (37895) - you deserved it (2841)

On 06/22/2013 at 5:16pm - misc - by me - United States (Ohio)

Today, at work, a woman demanded a refund for a video game. She had no receipt, so due to company policy, I couldn't refund her. She reacted by loudly accusing me of being racist, then yelled that she'd see me in court as she finally stormed out. FML

#20737368
101 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42760) - you deserved it (2731)

On 06/20/2013 at 3:15pm - work - by Anonymous (woman) - Germany (Nordrhein-Westfalen)

Today, my 16-year-old son broke two of his fingers playing with Play-Doh. FML

#20735100
119 comments

I agree, your life sucks (47046) - you deserved it (4788)

On 06/19/2013 at 12:12pm - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New York)

Today, I ran the mile in gym class. I was the second to last person to finish, and I was left panting and feeling faint. When the teacher found out I hadn't come in dead last, he accused me of skipping a lap and is now making me rerun the entire thing. FML

#20721311
164 comments

I agree, your life sucks (58106) - you deserved it (5685)

On 06/12/2013 at 10:56am - misc - by Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents asked me if I was sexually active. My grandma then screamed from upstairs, "She's not even physically active!" FML

#20548943
71 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48297) - you deserved it (14406)

On 03/18/2013 at 4:59am - intimacy - by Susan (woman) - Ireland



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