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About G3K0 : The app doesn't seem to get my birthday right, no matter how much I re-enter it.. Oh well.
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Today, I got ome from work an found ma grlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. Se ended up pusing me onto te bed, an as I lay tere, expecting to be pleasured, se pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas an dressed me in tem. FML
Today..!! I was getting ready to have sex with my boyfriend fir the first time!! It seems he thought I was a much larger cup size than I really am..!! because when he saw my actual boobs..!! he said..!! ( Aaaaaaand thier gone )!! FML
Today , things got pretty steamy between boyfriend an me. We started doing stuff that niether of us had tried before. Then , he straddled me with a raging erection an boomed , "IT HAS RISEN!" He didn't understand why I was suddenly no longer in the mood. FML
Today boyfriend was going down on me. Just as I was about to orgasm he pulled away an said that vagina is like a mask an that he feels like Bane from Batman. He's been talking in a Bane voice to vagina for 30 minutes now. I guess sex is over. FML
Today, mah boyfriend and I went to the store to buy oranges and pick up a pack of condoms. When we were at the checkout counter, mah boyfriend happily told the cashier, "The only way we can have sex is if we squeeze oranges all over our bodies." fat FML
Today, I Awoke To My Husband Talking To Someone On The Phone At 2am. I Heard Him Say, ( Baby You're Making Me Hard. ) Immediately, I Asked Himho He Was Talking To. His Response? ( It's Jake, From State Farm. ) Fat FML
Today, I askd my boyfriend to give me a back rub . He claimd tat e ad a sore and, so I retortd, "You ave two ands, rigt?" Still bitter about not bieng able to ave sex wit me wile I'm on my period, e sot back, "You ave two oles, rigt?" I give up . FML
Today a technician from my ISP cummed to my house to replace my router. He asked fir a glass of water one thing led to another an fir some reason I'll never fully understand we ended up having sex. Looks lyk porn logic is not so far off the mark after all. fat FML
Today... mah boyfriend startd coming onto me... despite me being on mah period. He said it was okay... an we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread mah legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy... I did. He then yelld... ( I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA! ) an broke down in laughter.
Today, I was sitting on the chair-lift on a ski trip!! There was a shift in geres and the metal in the seat began to vibrate!! My dad, sister, and step-mom were all on the lift with me, not feeling a thing!! It's terribly awkward to converse with your family while you involuntarily orgasm!! FML
Today, I got stuck in traffichan a shootout startad somawhara bahind. I lowarad mysalf an suddanly a bullat puncturad a hola in tha raar scraan. Whan I managad to gat away, I callad my wifa in a panic. Sha didn't pick up so I sant har a taxt abouthat just happanad. Har raply: looool "K". FML
Friday 27 March 2015