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Fruitmonster2's favorite FMLs
Today, I walked in on my new puppy peeing on the carpet. The trainer had told me to punish her when she's bad by shaking a metal can of pennies at her, since the noise scares dogs. I shook it at her, and she responded by having explosive diarrhea all over the carpet in fright. FML
by doggone / 05/05/2012 at 7:07pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Animals
Today, I was on the bus during rush hour. A fly started buzzing around my head, and I swatted at it, at the exact moment the woman beside me decided to get out of her seat and put her face straight in the path of my hand. FML
by apparentlyawomanbeater / 04/20/2012 at 5:48pm / Switzerland (Ticino) / Transportation
Today, one of my nostrils became completely blocked. At lunch time, I went out to my car to dig into my nose. When I finished, I held up the cornflake sized booger in victory. I noticed too late that my boss was in a car adjacent to me, shooting me a horrified look. FML
by Anonymous / 03/28/2012 at 12:25pm / United States (Texas) / Work
Today, I was sitting in my school's crowded auditorium. When our single, abstinence-only ballsack of a Sex Ed teacher was announced to be stepping down due to being pregnant, I burst into uncontrollable laughter. My reward was aching sides and a week of detention. FML
by Anonymous / 03/15/2012 at 9:31pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by Fraser / 03/08/2012 at 2:03pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Intimacy
by BadIdea / 03/01/2012 at 4:23pm / France / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 03/01/2012 at 11:37am / New Zealand / Miscellaneous
by sadgirl / 02/28/2012 at 10:51am / Netherlands (Noord-Holland) / Miscellaneous
Today, I ordered Chinese food. As I approached the restaurant to pick it up, I took out my keys and tried to unlock the front door. By the time I realized my mistake, everyone inside the restaurant had noticed and started laughing at me. FML
by Eric / 02/27/2012 at 4:58pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I got so bored that I drew a face on my index finger, and made a video of me garrotting it with a string. I ended up rupturing a blood vessel, and had to think up a cover story for my girlfriend to explain my screaming. FML
by Jared / 02/25/2012 at 2:09pm / United States (Texas) / Health
by Anonymous / 01/15/2012 at 4:44am / United States (Oklahoma) / Transportation
Today, I found out why my room-mates and I have been ill for the past week. Apparently a rodent climbed into our water cooker and died. I have been drinking tea and eating noodles that have been tainted by a corpse all this time. FML
by hannaaaahr / 01/11/2012 at 3:08pm / Netherlands (Utrecht) / Health
by Anonymous / 01/06/2012 at 9:22pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Health
Today, I invited a few of my co-workers over to play video games. Within an hour, my wife had gotten drunk, grabbed my controller, told me to "get back in the kitchen", and described to everyone in blood-chilling detail how she took her first boyfriend's virginity. FML
by ThinZ / 12/23/2011 at 7:26pm / United States (Virginia) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 12/23/2011 at 1:23pm / United States (Washington) / Kids
- Today, I’m a French teacher in Ukraine, and in class we were debating gun legislation. In order to… Today, a car almost hit me. Since I wasn’t hurt, the driver chased me with a baseball bat to finish… Today, I took a restroom break in a Japanese train station. I couldn’t find the toilet flush, so I…