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EmilyyR's favorite FMLs
Today, it was raining heavily so I wore my black poncho as I walked to work. On the way there I noticed an old and seemingly homeless man following me. I turned around to confront him. He picked up a stick and screamed "Expecto Patronum!" Apparently I look like a dementor. FML
by Anna L. / 03/24/2013 at 8:23pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was getting intimate with my current bootycall when he thought it would be funny to make animal sounds. He "baa-ed" "moo-ed" and "gobbled" until losing his erection from intense laughter, leaving me there very confused and unsatisfied. FML
by Bug5992 / 12/09/2012 at 5:46pm / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
Today, over a family dinner, my husband and I told everyone that I'm pregnant. My father frowned and said, "Again?", my 9-year-old daughter started crying, and her brother smirked and yelled, "Up the ass, no babies!" FML
by Anonymous / 10/28/2012 at 12:44pm / United States / Kids
Today, I went on a bad first date and the guy was more into it than me. I tried to scare him away by only speaking in robot voice, with robot arms. He thought it was adorable, and told me I reminded him of his mother. FML
by Queso Dog / 10/02/2012 at 10:42am / Japan / Love
by fiftyno / 10/01/2012 at 11:02am / United States (Washington) / Love
by Anonymous / 10/01/2012 at 10:50am / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Miscellaneous
Today, it was my uncle's funeral. I wasn't very close with him, but I still wanted to be respectful. My boyfriend, being the jackass that he is, was singing the Spider Pig song from The Simpsons under his breath while making his fingers walk up my leg, trying to get under my skirt. FML
by SorryUncleTommy / 10/01/2012 at 12:23am / United States (New York) / Love
by jitiizer / 09/19/2012 at 1:02pm / Netherlands (Friesland) / Miscellaneous
by he is going to hell / 09/18/2012 at 5:46pm / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was enjoying a romantic cuddle on the couch with my boyfriend, when he suddenly decided to lift up my shirt, stick his face into my boobs, and go all Darth Vader on me. This included heavy breathing and phrases such as, "Amber... I am your boyfriend." FML
by Amberain / 08/16/2012 at 11:16am / United Kingdom (Halton) / Love
Today, after sex, my boyfriend and I lay in bed for a couple of hours just chatting. This would have been lovely. However, his topic of choice for post-coital pillow talk was his theory about how Chewbacca is secretly the leader of the Rebel Alliance. It actually made sense. FML
by cl4ptp / 08/14/2012 at 8:17am / United Kingdom (Vale of Glamorgan, The) / Intimacy
by FMLMom / 08/08/2012 at 4:02am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, my girlfriend opened my refrigerator and began her standard moan: "You're a pig, you never clean up. Look at that egg, it makes me want to throw up, it's gone black, it’s covered in fuzz, IT'S GOT HAIR ON IT!" I got up to check it out. It was a Kiwi fruit. FML
by opinaise / 08/02/2012 at 9:00am / France (Midi-Pyrenees) / Love
Today, at work in a nursing home, I had to kill imaginary dogs in the lunch room, because they were evil and trying to eat everyone. This started with just one person seeing them, to all 30 of them screaming and freaking out. I spent 45 minutes killing imaginary dogs. FML
by justlittleoldme / 07/25/2012 at 5:05pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Work
by Anonymous / 07/25/2012 at 6:54am / United States (California) / Kids
- Today, I bought a non-refundable $200 plane ticket to Ohio to be with my girlfriend who moved there… Today, I was in the middle of watching this awesome show on Hulu. I was halfway through the season… Today, I was craving a bean & cheese burrito. After trying to forget about burritos for half of the…