About Ellamare : Han shot first.
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Ellamare's favorite FMLs
Today, I heard a noise outside in the middle of the night, so I went out for a look. I'm also pregnant and can't stop farting. I get 2 steps outside and accidentally let a huge one rip, then, from the shadows I hear "Oh my god!" and then running in the opposite direction. I farted away a prowler. FML
by Gassy / 09/21/2015 at 10:45am / Australia (New South Wales) / Miscellaneous
Today, I got hit by a USPS truck. Luckily, I have car insurance. Just kidding. My insurance got cancelled two days ago for lack of responding to letters they sent. Letters that the USPS didn't deliver. FML
by lentkaysi / 09/10/2015 at 6:55pm / United States (New York) / Transportation
Today, I had an argument with my boyfriend who was accusing me of only being in a relationship with him because I'd fantasised about being with an Asian. When I told him he was wrong, he asked me what attracted me to him in the first place. "Your eyes" was definitely the wrong answer. FML
by Anonyme / 09/02/2015 at 12:21am / Love
Today, I woke up, ate breakfast, and left my dorm room, only to see about half a dozen people and my roommate shuffling around in the hall. Their zombie outfits and limping were so realistic that I freaked out and ran back inside, screaming. They think it was the greatest prank ever. FML
by campus pussy / 03/22/2014 at 5:08pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, while on a date, I went to take a sip of my drink, but for some reason I expected a straw to be there. I ended up wiggling my tongue and mouth around my glass looking for it as I kept my eyes on my date. It must've looked like I was trying to be seductive in the creepiest way possible. FML
by cunning glassist / 03/08/2014 at 3:53pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Love
by Anonymous / 02/26/2014 at 4:44pm / Canada (Alberta) / Work
Today, my mum asked me how the guinea pig was doing. We don't have a guinea pig. Turns out she had volunteered me to look after the next door neighbor's guinea pig when they were away and 'forgot' to tell me. They have been gone two weeks. FML
by HelpMe / 02/25/2014 at 4:59am / United Kingdom (Scottish Borders, The) / Animals
Today, I was trying to study for a test when my brother and his friends decided to play the chant game, meaning one person yells something weird and everyone else has to say it back without laughing. All I heard for about two hours was them yelling things like, "DICK NIPPLES." FML
by DIY560 / 02/23/2014 at 10:59pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to pick up my goddaughter while her mother went to work. She was being fussy, and I was surprised when she was quiet in the car; I just figured she'd fallen asleep. I got to my house and realized I'd never put her in my car, she was still sitting in my friend's driveway. FML
by lyss / 02/16/2014 at 5:44pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids
by MarBlu / 01/23/2014 at 7:53am / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I joked with a pregnant girl in a state juvenile correctional facility where I work that eating a lot of candy would damage the unborn baby's teeth. Without batting an eye, she responded that she would simply "eat some toothpaste after the candy." FML
by polluxdc / 01/10/2014 at 3:20am / United States (Oregon) / Kids
by Lucie / 12/22/2013 at 8:51pm / United States (New York) / Love
Today, I woke up to a loud crashing in the middle of the night. I went to investigate, but found nothing amiss. Nothing except an axe firmly wedged in my front door, that is. It's safe to say that I have no clue who did it, and that I needed a fresh pair of underwear. FML
by nopissleft / 12/20/2013 at 4:05pm / Sweden (Stockholms Lan) / Miscellaneous
Today, while at the gym, I noticed a creepy-looking guy watching me. When I got up from the equipment, I noticed that he sniffed the seat. I didn't say anything the first time. After he did it the second time, I asked him to stop. He bent down and sniffed it without breaking eye contact. FML
by gymgirl / 12/17/2013 at 6:48pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by Cat Piss / 12/15/2013 at 11:58am / United States (Texas) / Animals