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Ebola's favorite FMLs
Today, after Thanksgiving dinner, we all played Cards Against Humanity. On one round, I was the dealer, and I received "foreskin" as a card. When I said this, my grandmother told me that apparently, after my ritual circumcision, my grandfather buried my foreskin under our rosebushes. FML
by mainlineloser / 11/28/2014 at 12:25am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
Today, I went to celebrate Thanksgiving with my family. I watched as my uncle and his girlfriend snuck off to the bathroom together, where they stayed until someone else tried to get in. When they came out, she was wiping her mouth. I need new eyes. FML
by Trainer Calypso / 11/27/2014 at 3:38pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 11/27/2014 at 1:51pm / United States (Tennessee) / Miscellaneous
Today, it was my turn to open the bar I work at. As I walked into our terrace, I found our insane upstairs neighbour leaving the scene without a word. This was right before I spotted the steaming pile of dung she'd left behind. FML
by caterinette / 11/26/2014 at 9:04pm / Portugal / Work
by UsuallyaUnicornbread / 11/26/2014 at 4:01pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Miscellaneous
Today, I agreed to give my husband head while he played Call of Duty. I was happy because he enjoyed it at first, until he started getting his ass kicked in the game. He lost and angrily blamed me for distracting him. FML
by Anonymous / 11/26/2014 at 2:41pm / United States (California) / Intimacy
by unwanted / 11/26/2014 at 1:13pm / Canada (Quebec) / Miscellaneous
Today, what few friends I have won't talk to me anymore. My ex told them she dumped me because I abused her. I never abused her. What really happened is that she dumped me in a rage after I refused to give her money for drugs. Nobody's even asked for my side of the story. FML
by Anonymous / 11/26/2014 at 11:42am / United States (Michigan) / Love
Today, I frantically told my parents that my bank account had no money. Turns out, they took the $1,600 I had saved up from a summer job and invested it in penny-stocks. I was grounded because they were "doing it for the family," and I'm being selfish. They also had lost it all in a matter of days. FML
by poor man / 11/26/2014 at 9:13am / United States (Florida) / Money
by ratqueen / 11/25/2014 at 10:28am / Canada (Ontario) / Animals
by anonymous / 11/24/2014 at 10:25pm / United States (Virginia) / Work
by stupid / 11/24/2014 at 2:21pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Work
Today, I was elected to learn how to clean the birthing tub at the hospital I work at. Today, I also discovered that while blood doesn't bother me, floating chunks of afterbirth and god knows what else, will cause me to projectile vomit into said tub. Which I still had to clean afterwards. FML
by StomachofTinfoil / 11/23/2014 at 8:59pm / United States (Maine) / Work
Today, I have to deal with being laughed at by my mother and sister, because they keep making sharp movements towards me, causing me to flinch. This is because I got mugged and beaten last night. They think it's hysterical. FML
by Anonymous / 11/23/2014 at 12:10pm / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, my grandpa came into my room and asked for a pen. As I gave it to him, he let rip the foulest fart I've ever smelled in my life, and walked out without a word. 2 hours later, the smell is not only still there, it's filled the room. Looks like I'm sleeping downstairs on the couch tonight. FML
by Anonymous / 11/23/2014 at 7:52am / United Kingdom / Miscellaneous
- Today, after asking my manager how his day was going he explained that he stopped drinking and was… Today, I was complaining to a coworker about how my manager had changed my schedule without telling… Today, my crush got together with a dude on my 18th birthday party after I tried my best to win her…