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Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML
I agree, your life sucks (20961) - you totally deserved it (1642)
On 02/13/2010 at 11:08am - misc - by Dog fart - United States
Today, I hung out with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. We were cuddling on the couch when he suddenly stands up. I thought he was going to hug me, but then he turned around, pinned my shoulders back so I couldn't move, and farted in my face. FML
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On 02/10/2010 at 2:29am - love - by LoveStruck- - United States
Today, I was about to take a crap when the smoke alarm went off. I ran out of the bathroom and tried to run downstairs. I tripped and shit on myself. The alarm had gone off cause my kid put my wallet in the toaster. FML
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On 02/09/2010 at 1:20pm - kids - by justme - Sent from a mobile version
Today, I helped my little sister sell chocolate bars for her school. We went up to this one house and rang the door bell, a man wearing a robe answers the door and was going to buy one. He went to get the money and left the door open, then we saw our happily married mother in the kitchen naked. FML
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On 02/03/2010 at 7:30pm - misc - by Mac (man) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, I made a friend on an online chat. We got along fairly well and even traded Facebook accounts. I found out that the two of us had a lot of very surprising things in common. We were the same age, we were from the same school, and we even had the same boyfriend. FML
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On 02/02/2010 at 1:57am - misc - by Zephyric - United States (California)
Today, I had my cigs tucked into my waistband because my shorts didn't have pockets. A friend walks up and asks for a smoke. I say "I've got something you can smoke right here", tugging at my shorts. The "friend" then kicks me in the nuts for being a douche. FML
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On 01/28/2010 at 5:24am - misc - by wishihadpockets (man) - United States (Connecticut)
Today, I found my boyfriend making out with my mom. FML
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On 01/22/2010 at 12:02am - love - by Anonymous - United States (Nevada)
Today, I was drinking from a water fountain. I bent over to sip the water and felt a HUGE slap on my ass. Completely confused, I turn around to see some guy with a horrified look on his face. Apparently he thought I was his girlfriend. And then I saw his girlfriend standing behind him. Giving me the evil eye. FML
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On 01/21/2010 at 12:30am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, while in the shower with my girlfriend she was going on and on about how she thinks she's fat when she's in perfect shape. With what she said still on my mind, I meant to say "honey, you're so beautiful", but accidentally said "honey, you're so fat". I'll be sleeping alone tonight. FML
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On 01/20/2010 at 7:23pm - love - by showerpower (man) - United States (Vermont)
Today, I found out my little sister was a stripper. At the same time, she found out that when I said I was having a "quiet birthday with some friends," what I really meant was "hiring a stripper to jump out of a cake." FML
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On 01/18/2010 at 3:26pm - misc - by Jon (man) - United States (Oregon)
Today, as I showered, I sneezed, hit my face on the wall, got shampoo in my eyes, slipped on a bar of soap, bashed my head on the wall as I fell, grabbed at the walls to stop me from falling and happened to turn off the cold water, scorching me. FML
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On 01/17/2010 at 1:22am - health - by Concussed (man) - Australia (New South Wales)
Today, I was stuck on the toilet with a huge stomachache after eating bad food the day before. I got up to flush when I noticed that there was a cockroach struggling feebly in the pile of crap. I'll never know if it got there before or after I crapped. FML
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On 01/16/2010 at 3:19pm - health - by dire-rear (woman) - Singapore
Today, my sister and I bought new cell phones. We both wanted the same phone in red, but the guy told us that there was only one red phone left. Flirting with him, I said "You should give the prettier sister the red phone." My new phone is black. FML
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On 01/09/2010 at 12:58am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Nevada)
Today, my pet hedgehog thought it would be funny to roll around in the kitty litter. It was like washing a poopy cactus. FML
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On 01/08/2010 at 1:23am - misc - by StinkyCactus (man) - United States (Virginia)
Today, I was supposed to go to Disneyland with my family, but I woke up with explosive diarrhea. So while they are at the happiest place on Earth, I'm stuck on this toilet left to imagine that the splash from my crap is a splash from splash mountain. FML
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On 01/04/2010 at 5:20pm - health - by onthetoilet - Sent from a mobile version
