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CrazayPanda's favorite FMLs
Today, I got 20% tints on my car. As I'm driving home, a cop pulls me over. I didn't want to ruin my new tint by opening my window, so I opened my door as the cop approached. He then pulled out his gun and yelled "GET ON THE FUCKING GROUND!" before I could explain. FML
by italy1986 / 04/13/2009 at 3:41pm / United States (New Jersey) / Transportation
Today, I had to watch my neighbor's daughter for 10 hours. She wouldn't eat anything I had to offer, so I ordered a pizza for $19 + a $5 tip = $24. Her father came by to pick her up, thanked me, and gave me a $20 bill. I effectively just paid to watch his kid. FML
by Liz / 04/09/2009 at 5:51pm / United States (Florida) / Kids
Today, I was at a gay bar and asking a really convincing drag queen about her daily routine. I asked how she tucked her penis in. She responded, "Um, I'm a woman." I said, "Oh I'm sorry, are you pre-op or post-op?" She said, "No, I always have been and always will be a woman, asshole." FML
by thatwasmiz / 04/08/2009 at 2:38am / United States (North Carolina) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was at this awesome party and I was dancing with this really attractive girl who started making out with me all of a sudden. Five minutes later, my friend told me that the girl had just given him a blowjob. FML
by cumguzzler / 03/06/2009 at 11:14am / United States (South Carolina) / Intimacy
Today, I was typing up a love letter on my computer. A sexual love letter. I was in a classroom, I'm the teacher, I'm gay, and my love letter showed up on the tv screen while my 7th grade students were taking a test. It was up on the screen for 15 minutes. FML
by Sad / 03/01/2009 at 4:08am / United States (California) / Intimacy
Today, I was a TA for a history class and the class was taking a test. About halfway through, I noticed one kid had a small piece of paper in his hand. I ran up the row, grabbed his test, and ripped it into four pieces. Then I took the note from him. It said "I believe in you, -Mom." FML
by Noname / 02/26/2009 at 10:30am / United States (Michigan) / Work
Today, I was working the register at a local grocery store. A kid about 5 years old was having trouble zipping his jacket. I reached out to help him and he started screaming "No bad touch bad touch!" and kicked me in the knee. Everyone looked. FML
by jessica / 02/17/2009 at 6:56pm / United States (New York) / Work
by Ugh / 02/16/2009 at 12:45am / United States (California) / Animals
by someonevexed / 02/01/2009 at 2:01pm / Germany (Baden-Wurttemberg) / Love
Today, I woke up with the worst hangover of my life. My best friend comes over and informs me that I had sex with my girlfriend's two best friends last night. Awesome! Then I realized her best friends are guys. FML
by Ah hell / 01/31/2009 at 9:43am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
by Gob / 01/16/2009 at 9:36am / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, my dad surprised me by moving my bed (involving disassembling and reassembling it) in my new room, because I couldn't find how I wanted to set it up. He also took care of putting back my vibrator between the mattress and the base, where it was hidden. FML
by Sam / 11/28/2008 at 3:50am / Intimacy