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Mobility
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Perfectionist
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Happy Ending
Brandon may have an FML, but he ended up marrying Jessica. You found this out by reading “FML, the follow up.”
Today, I attended the reading of my grandfather's will. I didn't expect to receive anything, since his side of the family had always ostracized me for being born out of wedlock. I did get something: $3,500, on the binding condition that I use a portion of it to get a vasectomy. FML
I agree, your life sucks (29148) - you deserved it (1636)
On 03/14/2013 at 6:04pm - misc - by grandson of a p.o.s. (man) - United States (New York)
Today, my boyfriend drove me back home. My dad was sitting on the porch in his underwear, with his shotgun in his lap. He stroked the gun, looked my boyfriend dead in the eyes, and slowly shook his head. Now my boyfriend refuses to see me for his own safety. FML
I agree, your life sucks (28283) - you deserved it (2528)
On 03/10/2013 at 6:37pm - love - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Texas)
Today, my boyfriend started coming onto me, despite me being on my period. He said it was okay, and we went to his bedroom. He told me to spread my legs as he spread his hands. Thinking it'd be sexy, I did. He then yelled, "I AM MOSES! I PART THE RED SEA!" and broke down in laughter. FML
I agree, your life sucks (43273) - you deserved it (11077)
On 03/06/2013 at 3:20pm - intimacy - by RedWaters - United States
Today, I was taking my dog for a walk and forgot a bag to pick up his poop, since it's illegal to not pick it up in my town. Right as my dog started to take a dump, a cop car drove by and continued to watch me as I was forced to pick up the poop with my bare hands. FML
I agree, your life sucks (37941) - you deserved it (14837)
On 03/02/2013 at 10:32am - animals - by yikes - United States
Today, while trucking, I got stuck in traffic on a congested highway. After 15 minutes of mind-numbing boredom, I glanced down at the car beside me, only to witness the driver changing her tampon and flicking the old one onto the highway. I can't unsee this. FML
I agree, your life sucks (47558) - you deserved it (2808)
On 02/01/2013 at 8:01pm - intimacy - by thoughtidseenitall (man) - United States (Colorado)
Today, I decided to go to a UV-light party dressed all in white. Before leaving, my little brother dumped a glass of tomato juice over my head saying, "Now you look just like a used tampon!" FML
I agree, your life sucks (33063) - you deserved it (4313)
On 01/13/2013 at 10:49am - misc - by Mary - Czech Republic
Today, while having sex with my girlfriend on the bathroom floor, I felt something tickle my balls. I looked back to see her sister's kitten getting in on the action. I think I just had my first threesome. FML
I agree, your life sucks (36537) - you deserved it (1032)
On 01/13/2013 at 3:53am - intimacy - by Drewbie (man) - United States (Utah)
Today, my boyfriend and I decided to try some "prolonging gel" to help him last longer between the sheets. Surprisingly, it worked, and he lasted 3 times longer than usual. I can now enjoy 4 whole minutes of sex. FML
I agree, your life sucks (34420) - you deserved it (3682)
On 01/11/2013 at 12:17am - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Mississippi)
Today, while attempting the Italian Chandelier with my girlfriend, I heard a popping noise, and then had a sharp pain in my dick. Turns out I "broke" it. Instead of calling 911 immediately, my girlfriend remarked how my now black and blue penis looked like a Smurf. FML
I agree, your life sucks (20995) - you deserved it (5055)
On 08/05/2012 at 1:33am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States (New Jersey)
Today, my iPhone got back from being fixed. When I opened the box there was a note attached to my phone that said, "All you had to do was turn it on." FML
I agree, your life sucks (4137) - you deserved it (25346)
On 07/27/2012 at 1:05am - misc - by ryanharp2 - United States (Arkansas)
Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML
I agree, your life sucks (8844) - you deserved it (31192)
Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML
I agree, your life sucks (14213) - you deserved it (31261)
On 07/10/2012 at 6:03am - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States
Today, I went to the water park with my boyfriend. A swimsuit was required to go on the rides. My bikini straps somehow got torn off and I had nothing else with me. My boyfriend said, "Hell, just wear my spare shorts. You could pass as a guy with your chest". FML
I agree, your life sucks (22244) - you deserved it (2091)
On 05/18/2012 at 3:19pm - misc - by Anonymous - United States (New Jersey)
Today, I tried to swallow a spoonful of cinnamon. I ended up vomiting chunks of burgers, all while bleeding from the nose and suffering throbbing testicles. I then had to clean it all up. FML
I agree, your life sucks (5253) - you deserved it (36116)
On 05/18/2012 at 3:41am - health - by TLJ321 -
Today, I wanted to prank my roommate. So, I thought it would be funny to take all the toilet paper out of our bathroom. She thought it would be funny to wipe with my cashmere sweater. FML
I agree, your life sucks (4909) - you deserved it (33750)
On 05/18/2012 at 2:07am - misc - by Karmaisabitch - United States (Colorado)
Monday 20 May 2013
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