I'm Jonathan Ryan
I would describe myself as a sarcastic, sexy, geek. I can be very charming.
I'm working slowly towards a bachelor of commerce, I want to become a CMA. I love school, and improving myself in any way that I can.
I absolutely read all of your FML stories. Thanks for being amazing.
I'd love to chat. Message me on FML, now you have no excuse! :]
Happy Halloween. Haha.
Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML
I agree, your life sucks (29496) - you totally deserved it (4110)
On 10/14/2009 at 1:01pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)
Today, I was at a stop light and a bee landed on my leg. I screamed and started swatting it. It flew into my jacket and I started to strip my jacket off, taking my foot off the brake. I hit the car in front of me and deployed the air bag, breaking my nose. Then the bee stung me in the back. FML
I agree, your life sucks (22378) - you totally deserved it (7703)
On 10/04/2009 at 11:07pm - misc - by Anstice (woman) - United States (Indiana)
Today, my daughter used the kids potty chair on her own for the first time. Bad: The bucket was not in it so poo hit the floor. Good: she tried to clean it... Bad: with her socks. Good: she decided to clean the socks. Bad: she used the wall. Good: she finally called dad. FML
I agree, your life sucks (28265) - you totally deserved it (2224)
On 09/10/2009 at 3:51am - kids - by Udxero (man) - United States (Texas)
Today, as I arrived at my house after a two week holiday, I opened the door and heard footsteps upstairs, I went up and found my boyfriend naked in bed. We had great sex and afterwards I found my best friend naked in the wardrobe. Turns out they'd had great sex also. FML
I agree, your life sucks (40938) - you totally deserved it (2406)
On 08/28/2009 at 7:43am - intimacy - by Phoellie (woman) - United Kingdom (London)
Today, I farted while I was in line at the bank. I tried to pretend it wasn't me by looking at the man behind me and turning back with a disgusted look on my face. I thought I had gotten away with it when the man yells "It wasn't me, this bitch did it". FML
I agree, your life sucks (3973) - you totally deserved it (48671)
On 08/19/2009 at 7:39am - misc - by moutz (woman) - Australia (Victoria)
Today, I was driving on the freeway and there was a dead animal (I think a cat) in the road. The car in front of me decided to merge over. It kicked up part of the dead animal and sent it flying through my open window. I think I got hit in the face with a piece of foot. FML
I agree, your life sucks (38051) - you totally deserved it (1933)
On 08/16/2009 at 12:32pm - misc - by travinator121611 (man) - United States (California)
Today I was in the car for 8 hours driving home from North Carolina with my family. We brought my dog along and I pet her for most of the ride. I thought she fell asleep, so I continued to play with her. She never woke up. I played with a dead dog for almost an hour and a half. FML
I agree, your life sucks (42534) - you totally deserved it (2136)
On 08/12/2009 at 12:13am - misc - by jennabean (woman) - United States (New York)
Today, I was home alone. I didn't expect anyone to be anywhere near home, so when I got out of the shower, I walked to the living room, naked, to get the tv remote for my room. Only to find the UPS guy standing at our glass front door. I screamed... so did he. FML
I agree, your life sucks (27175) - you totally deserved it (10437)
On 08/11/2009 at 10:01am - misc - by Lilly_28 (woman) - United States (Kentucky)
Today, my boyfriend who likes to get high was driving me insisting he wasn't currently high. A family of deer was standing on the side of the road and he pulled over by them waited until they walked closer to us and said, "what seems to be the problem officers?" He wasn't kidding. FML
I agree, your life sucks (14745) - you totally deserved it (25298)
On 08/07/2009 at 2:34am - misc - by Jstar - France (Nord-Pas-de-Calais)
Today, I found what I assumed was my laptop, though my mother has the same one. As I opened it, I was greeted by a video of my father waving. He wasn't using his hands. FML
I agree, your life sucks (35711) - you totally deserved it (2602)
On 08/06/2009 at 11:40am - misc - by daddysboy123 (man) - United States (Maine)
Today, I was getting mugged. In shock, I said, "Are you mugging me?!" To which the mugger responded, "Duh, do you think I grabbed you for your looks?" FML
I agree, your life sucks (33896) - you totally deserved it (4230)
On 08/04/2009 at 2:41am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Connecticut)
Today, I was downtown with my boyfriend around Noon when we walked past a few guys who shouted out to me "You're the most beautiful girl we've seen all day". My boyfriend's response was "It's still early." FML
I agree, your life sucks (32138) - you totally deserved it (2113) - moderated and selected by the Jackass crew
On 07/30/2009 at 8:32am - misc - by epicc1584 - United States (Maryland)
Today, I was peeing in a urinal at a bar. A drunk guy comes in, and seeing no urinals open, he decides to pee between my legs from behind me. He didn't have good aim. FML
I agree, your life sucks (45443) - you totally deserved it (1626)
On 07/27/2009 at 3:07pm - misc - by webperson04 (man) - United States (Louisiana)
Today, I woke up from the worst nightmare I've ever had. After tearfully explaining to my boyfriend, in detail, how bad this dream was, he told me to "put on my big girl panties" and make him breakfast. FML
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On 07/24/2009 at 2:40am - love - by vanguardwiley (woman) - United States (Illinois)
Today, I was lying in bed late at night trying to fall asleep. I blew my nose on a kleenex and was too lazy to get up and put it in the garbage. I threw it under my bed when I heard a whispery voice say "Thank you". It was my little brother trying to scare me. I peed myself. FML
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On 07/23/2009 at 7:34am - kids - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Illinois)
