About CaliforniaErin : Once there was an ugly barnacle. He was so ugly that everyone died. The end.
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CaliforniaErin's favorite FMLs
Today, I was sleeping on an airplane. I dreamed that I was running my hands up and down my friend's leg sexually to creep him out. I woke up and I realized that I was running my hand up and down the leg of the old man sitting next to me. FML
by joyness / 12/20/2012 at 9:49am / Taiwan (T'ai-pei) / Transportation
by wtf / 12/17/2012 at 2:38pm / United States / Health
by Anonymous / 12/15/2012 at 3:52am / United States (Washington) / Miscellaneous
by ToughTitties / 12/14/2012 at 8:45am / United Kingdom (Essex) / Intimacy
Today, my elbow was having cramps and movement issues as a result of an old set of surgical pins and wires that are being rejected by my body. One painful twitch caused my arm to lock out straight, unintentionally slapping my hand into my co-worker's crotch. Our waiting customers giggled. FML
by SApprentice / 12/04/2012 at 2:10am / United States (Virginia) / Health
Today, I was at my boyfriend's house when I got a call from my parents. They told me to come home immediately. Panicking, I rushed home. My dad pulled out a clear tube filled with dried leaves. They accused me of having marijuana. It was catnip for my kitten. FML
by potheadloljk / 12/01/2012 at 9:01pm / United States (Maine) / Miscellaneous
by allbrokeup / 12/01/2012 at 6:54pm / Norway (Rogaland) / Love
Today, I went to Hollister with my grandmother. She immediately started yelling about the music being too loud, and ordered the staff to "shut the damn thing off". She was yelling at a bunch of mannequins. FML
by time to put you down, gran / 12/01/2012 at 5:53pm / United States / Miscellaneous
by Chuffy / 12/01/2012 at 1:01am / United States (Colorado) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was going to give my baby daughter an empty Pringles tin to play with on the floor. I saw some crumbs at the bottom, so I emptied the can in my mouth before I gave it to her. I crunched hard and spat them out, realizing my boyfriend had just cut his toenails into the can. FML
by lizzard0416 / 11/29/2012 at 10:00pm / Canada (Alberta) / Miscellaneous
Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend by waking him up with a blowjob, because he had always told me that it was a sexy fantasy of his. When he finally woke up, he got pissed off, rudely accused me of interrupting his beauty sleep, then soundly lay back down and fell asleep again. FML
by nextcontestant16 / 11/19/2012 at 10:12am / United States / Intimacy
by thanks, fuckface / 11/16/2012 at 2:42pm / United States (Colorado) / Intimacy
Today, dressed in my sexiest nightie, I asked my boyfriend in the most sensual voice possible what he'd like me do to for him tonight. His eyed widened, he started clapping wildly and then shrieked, "SPAGHETTI CARBONARA!" FML
by Anonymous / 11/01/2012 at 7:48am / France (Picardie) / Love
Today, I told my dad and brother that I want to take Zumba classes. My brother said, "Did you hear that? Pumbaa wants to Zumba!" Then he starting dancing and making pig noises. My dad high-fived him. When my mom heard, she high-fived him too. FML
by hakuna matata / 10/31/2012 at 6:06am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 10/30/2012 at 3:34pm / United States / Love
- Today, my boyfriend whispered to me, “I’m so tired of these fucking mosquitos.” When I asked why he… Today, at Toronto airport, the customs officer checked my passport, then called his colleagues to… Today, I’m in China, and I took my Golden Retriever to the groomer’s to get him cleaned up, because…