In fair weather OR foul!?!?!
Today, my girlfriend of 10 months moved to Europe and we may never see each other again, so I gave her a $200 sterling silver heart necklace as a goodbye present. She gave me a pack of gum. Cinnamon, which I'm allergic to. FML
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On 06/08/2009 at 2:47pm - love - by dogs_and_toucans (man) - United States
Today, I called my girlfriend to ask her to the movies. She declined and said she was sick and was going to sleep. Wanting to see the movie, I invited my mom and we went. My mom then pointed out my "sick" girlfriend making out with a guy. My mom threw a full bag of popcorn at her. FML
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On 06/07/2009 at 1:35am - love - by Reject3d (man) - United States (California)
Today, I used the restroom at a department store. While I was in my stall, I overheard a little girl say to her mother, "I see someone wearing pink!" I remembered that I was wearing pink just as she finished her thought, "And she's pooping." She was peeking at me through the stall. FML
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On 06/06/2009 at 10:25pm - kids - by Shelly (woman) - United States (Maryland)
Today, I paid for $60 haircut from a professional stylist. I look like Spock from Star Trek. The worst part was that during the stylist asked me, "Hey, are you going to go see that new Star Trek movie?" Now wherever I go people are giving me the 'live long in prosper' sign. FML
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On 05/05/2009 at 2:21am - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)
Today, I was about to lose my virginity with my girlfriend of 2 years, when I got an urgent phone call from my 9-year-old sister, telling me I had to come home immediately. My grandma fell off the toilet and got stuck between the bowl and the wall. I'm not making this up. FML
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On 05/03/2009 at 7:22pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - United States
Today, I was driving down the road at about 10pm, when the passenger in the car in front of me threw something out the window. The object flew towards and landed directly on my windshield. It was a condom. A used condom. It wasn't tied. Semen spreads out quite a bit when you're driving fast. FML
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On 05/03/2009 at 5:17pm - misc - by Aether (man) - United States (Michigan)
Today, I was in the grocery store buying a few things. A sales associate came over the intercom system saying, "Attention Safeway customers. If you drive a blue Subaru, it's rolling into 18th Ave." Everyone laughed except me. I forgot to set the brake. FML
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On 05/03/2009 at 1:35am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Missouri)
Today, my 6 year old daughter asked me, "what would happen to me if you and daddy died?". I told her that she'd probably live with her Uncle Ant and Aunt Ilene. She looked at me and said "You guys can die. I won't cry. I get everything I want over there." FML
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On 05/02/2009 at 4:12am - kids - by Anonymous - United States (North Carolina)
Today, I went on a date with a guy for the first time. We went to Starbucks and got coffee. We talked for awhile, and we were joking and having a good time. Suddenly, he put his hand on my stomach and said, "soon, this will be plump with my seed." FML
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On 04/06/2009 at 3:39pm - intimacy - by creepermagnet (woman) - United States (Maryland)
Today, I was waitering at the restaurant that I work at when I collected a credit card bill that was worth $120 and a big zero on the tip line. Angered, I turned to a co-worker and said "I knew this asshole wasn't going to tip me." The guy was standing right behind me with $30 in his hand. FML
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On 04/06/2009 at 10:42am - money - by brhorton02 (man) - United States (New Hampshire)
Today, I had to give a speech on abstinence to a bunch of teenage boys, and surprisingly they were paying attention. After they left, I went to the bathroom and saw I had missed a few buttons on my blouse. The boys had a close up view of my cleavage for 3 hours. FML
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On 04/06/2009 at 6:41am - misc - by Anna (woman) - United States (Illinois)
Today, while at work at Wendy's, a lady came through the drive-thru with her kid. As I was handing them their order, her child points to me and exclaims "mommy, I thought you weren't supposed to work at places like this when you get older". FML
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On 04/06/2009 at 3:13am - work - by Frosty (man) - United States (Georgia)
Today, I jokingly went over to a an attractive female co-worker and said "you look like you need a hug". She told me she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to be touched. No more than 30 seconds after our encounter she ran to give one of our more attractive male co-workers a hug. FML
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On 04/06/2009 at 12:39am - misc - by Lastsecondstand - United States (New York)
Today, I came home to find a sock I previously used to whack off on my bed with googly eyes and a mouth drawn on it with a note that read "Because you can't find a real girl, I made your current one prettier, Love Mom." FML
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On 04/02/2009 at 1:13am - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Oregon)
Today, a woman threw her car in reverse at an intersection and backed up into me, while I was at a complete stop. She called the cops accusing me of rear ending her. I now have a $146 ticket for reckless driving, and around $2,500 in damage to the front of my car. She's suing for her damages. FML
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On 03/30/2009 at 12:43pm - misc - by StupidTeen (man) - United States (Florida)
