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Bebbo's favorite FMLs
Today, I met my boyfriend's parents for the first time over dinner. I had to use the bathroom part way through, and ended up taking the foulest dump of my life. I cracked open a window on my way out, but my boyfriend's dad went in soon after, quickly retching and booming "What the fuck?!" FML
by great 1st impression / 05/25/2014 at 12:09pm / United Kingdom (Derby) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was at a nightclub when some dick squeezed the ass of the girl beside me. She whirled around and started yelling and slapping me across the face. I was dragged out by the bouncers, to cheers from the people around us. FML
by ThisIsWhyIStayAtHome / 05/23/2014 at 8:09pm / Ireland (Dublin) / Miscellaneous
Today, my 5-year-old son woke up early and ran into my bedroom to wake me up. Unfortunately, he did this by jumping onto my bed, slamming his knee into my balls in the process. I had to explain my tears of agony away by claiming I was just so happy to see him. FML
by todaddy / 05/23/2014 at 3:32pm / United Kingdom / Kids
Today, I accidentally said the wrong name during sex. That name just happened to be "Sarah", which is both my ex-girlfriend's name and my wife's sister's name. When she asked me which one I meant, I panicked and said, "Both." FML
by FLIPmcCOOL / 05/15/2014 at 6:57pm / Ireland (Cork) / Intimacy
Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML
by chumman / 05/06/2014 at 9:55am / United States (New York) / Intimacy
Today, I started going on and on about dogs and their different types of breed, behaviours, expectancy, etc. When someone asked me how I know all this stuff, I meant to say, "I fucking love animals", I didn't think it through and said, "I love fucking animals". FML
by Zekrome / 05/05/2014 at 3:53am / Canada (Ontario) / Intimacy
Today, it's my first day working the graveyard shift at a local hotel. My new boss thought it would be hilarious to sneak up behind me while dressed like the Grim Reaper. I screamed like a little girl and soaked my pants. Apparently he does this to all the new people. FML
by Anonymous / 05/04/2014 at 5:07pm / Czech Republic (Hlavni mesto Praha) / Work
by Sam / 05/04/2014 at 2:12am / United States (Missouri) / Miscellaneous
Today, I was told that I'm very likely to win the "Most Likely to Exceed 5 Cats" yearbook award. My best friend said, "They wanted it to be 'Most Likely to Die Alone', but it was a bit harsh". Someone else added, "It's still pretty likely, though". FML
by Anonymous / 05/02/2014 at 3:51pm / United States / Miscellaneous
Today, I was in the car with my boyfriend, who was driving down the highway with the windows down. All of a sudden, everything went black. A cattle truck had sped past, and I had been hit by cow faeces travelling at 110km an hour. My boyfriend was hysterical. None of it hit him. FML
by Felicityfrank / 05/01/2014 at 10:17am / Australia (Victoria) / Animals
Today, I came across a street musician. He looked extremely well-fed already, but his music was pretty good, so I gave him some spare change. As soon as I turned away, he started screaming at me for being "cheap", and chased me half a block before running out of breath. FML
by Anonymous Pillock / 04/30/2014 at 6:25pm / United Kingdom / Money
Today, I was waiting on a Canadian tourist at work, and he bought some of the most expensive stuff on the menu. I was excited about maybe getting a big tip, so I casually said that in the USA, waiters make most of our money off tips. The guy just snorted, "Sucks to be American, eh?!" and left. FML
by yes, yes it does :( / 04/30/2014 at 5:11pm / United States / Work
Today, while meeting my girlfriend's parents for the first time, her dad made a big show of cleaning his rifle, before loading it, taking aim, and blowing the hell out of a hornet's nest at the back of the yard. I fear for my life. FML
by Shit / 04/27/2014 at 1:25pm / United States (California) / Love
Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML
by caught out / 04/26/2014 at 7:29pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Work
Today, I locked myself out of my dorm room. I walked across campus, shoe-less and in nothing but my bathrobe, to find someone who could let me back in. Turns out I hadn't even shut the door properly and so it never actually locked. I can still hear the guy laughing at me. FML
by killmenow / 04/23/2014 at 10:54am / United States (Louisiana) / Miscellaneous
- Today, I went in for an appointment with my therapist. When she saw me, she gasped, "Are you okay?… Today, my loneliness hit an all time low when I actually considered "accidentally" texting a random… Today, my new guy friend told me that he is madly in love with me. When I suggested "let's give it…