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BZk's favorite FMLs
Today, I was fooling around on Omegle, when I came across a guy who claimed he could suck himself off. I was doubtful, but morbidly curious, so I told him to prove it. Turns out he could. Before I could close the browser window in horror, my dad walked in and got a good look too. FML
by didntevenknow / 08/13/2012 at 11:06am / Malaysia (Kuala Lumpur) / Intimacy
Today, I had a dream that I was trying to pop a balloon. Nothing I did was working, so I put it between my knees and tried to pop it that way. Immediately, I woke up to the sound of frantic hissing and meowing. As it turns out, I was trying to pop the cat. FML
by furryballoon / 11/21/2011 at 11:46pm / United States (Washington) / Animals
Today, my family attended the funeral of an old family friend's baby, who died in childbirth. Afterwards, my husband went around snickering and quietly telling dead baby jokes to the other attendees. FML
by Anonymous / 07/06/2011 at 7:38pm / United States (Washington) / Kids
by romantic84 / 05/31/2011 at 12:51am / Canada (Ontario) / Love
Today, my dad said that if I walked home from school, a distance of 8 miles, he would give me $50. Two hours and four massive blisters later, I come home. When I asked for my money, he said "I was kidding." FML
by hiker / 03/29/2011 at 3:00pm / United States / Money
Today, I found out that the candy bracelet my sister gave me a few days ago was actually a candy cock ring she'd used on her boyfriend just a few hours prior. Apparently, she didn't like the taste. I however, did. FML
by Anonymous / 02/14/2011 at 12:15pm / Belgium (Oost-Vlaanderen) / Intimacy
Today, I found out that the white marks on my pillow aren't from me drooling in my sleep like I originally thought. My roommate used my pillow to help support her lower back during intercourse with her hookup from last night. FML
by KaraAnn17 / 02/12/2011 at 11:29am / United States (Ohio) / Intimacy
by Anonymous / 02/06/2011 at 12:53pm / United States (Oregon) / Work
by Anonymous / 10/29/2010 at 4:31am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids
Today, I finished painting my living room. I had to leave the house in a rush. When I got home, I found smears of paint all around and the carpet crusted with paint that had dried. My cat had rubbed up against the walls and tracked it around. FML
by Spelit / 08/13/2010 at 3:45pm / United States (Iowa) / Animals
by fattysonparade / 07/20/2010 at 9:57pm / United Kingdom (Essex) / Health
Today, I had a weird dream I woke up on the bathroom floor at my local gym. Turns out it wasn't a dream, and I passed out from "overworking myself". I was on the treadmill for under 5 minutes, walking. FML
by crashingdown / 05/29/2010 at 1:28am / Australia (South Australia) / Miscellaneous
by sleeper / 03/02/2010 at 12:05am / Transportation
by CatWoman / 02/11/2010 at 12:33am / United States (District of Columbia) / Intimacy
Today, I found out that a water pipe at my work had burst over the weekend. There is absolutely no water in the building, including the bathrooms. It's a 9 hour day, and I took a laxative this morning before I came in. FML
by bs_happens / 01/11/2010 at 10:28am / United States (Texas) / Work
- Today, is my daughter's first birthday. Today also marks 1 year and 9 months since I last had sex… Today, my future father in law motorboated my breasts as I bent down to give him a hug goodbye. The… Today, in science, we were studying reproduction. Our teacher was reading out the notes and claimed…
- Today, at badminton practice we were doing our "tryouts" out of the players already on the team to… Today, I got an extremely sensitive pimple right below my nose. Today also seems to be the day that… Today, I brought my girlfriend of two years out clubbing with my teammates. I was informed she made…