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BEATONOFF

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BEATONOFF

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  • Number of visits : 423
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BEATONOFF's favorite FMLs

Today, I learned to never shave your downstairs when you have the hiccups. FML

#12797931
130 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18041) - you deserved it (27334)

On 08/29/2010 at 1:02am - health - by yggiz (woman) - United States (Florida)

Today, my mother continued her lifelong habit of talking to anyone who isn't white in extremely slow, exaggerated "caveman" English. She insists that she isn't being racist, but rather is helping. FML

#12006480
187 comments

I agree, your life sucks (42153) - you deserved it (4201)

On 07/20/2010 at 5:17pm - misc - by notmuchfun - United States (Michigan)

Today, I was having an affair with a girl from my work. She scratched my back while we were doing it and I didn't want my wife to find out so I threw myself down the stairs at work and ended up having to go to the hospital. FML

#10658705
513 comments

I agree, your life sucks (14813) - you deserved it (237364)

On 05/20/2010 at 10:33pm - intimacy - by Chichensoup (man) - United States (Oregon)

Today, I received a phone call from my son's school. Apparently, for the past week he has been telling everyone "mummy works as a drug dealer." I'm a pharmacist. FML

Today, I was in the middle of having sex with my girlfriend. I told her that I loved her. She asked me how much wind-shield wiper blades cost. FML

#7296803
43 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17994) - you deserved it (2778)

On 01/12/2010 at 8:09am - intimacy - by Upbrakie - United States

Today, I woke up from a nap and thought I felt somebody's arm in my bed. I frantically start hitting it and start screaming. I soon realized it was my own arm. I had fallen asleep on it, and it was completely numb, I couldn't feel a thing. FML

#7004520
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19212) - you deserved it (10308)

On 12/29/2009 at 12:11am - health - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New York)

Today, I woke up and rolled out of bed. I'm on the top mattress of a bunk bed. We have tile floors. FML

#6535314
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29146) - you deserved it (7845)

On 11/30/2009 at 4:35pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (Virginia)

Today, I corrected my mom in front of our family while she was ragging on my 12 year old cousin who got a piercing. She said, "You don't understand you don't have kids, but on the other hand you probably never will!" I have Polycystic ovary syndrome, she is right, I probably never will. FML

#4783460
342 comments

I agree, your life sucks (56511) - you deserved it (3042)

On 08/24/2009 at 12:43pm - health - by fannyfitel123 (woman) - United States (Maryland)

Today, it was my birthday. My parents came into my room at 12:01 to surprise me. Do you know what fifteen year olds do at midnight? FML

#4734669
398 comments

I agree, your life sucks (43810) - you deserved it (22498)

On 08/22/2009 at 12:25pm - misc - by urmommmm (man) - United States (New York)

Today, as a supervisor at a water park, several clients came up to me and complained about a topless girl in our wave pool. I found the girl, called her out, and politely told her that she was not allowed in the pool without a top. "She" was a fat 15 year old boy. FML

#4478498
192 comments

I agree, your life sucks (51640) - you deserved it (7024)

On 08/12/2009 at 4:13pm - misc - by auslander (man) - Switzerland (Zurich)

Today, I was listening to music while my grandma and mom were in the same room. I only had one headphone in. My mom, thinking I had both in, started telling my grandma how much of a "little bitch" I am. My grandma went on to say, "She's also a slut." FML

#4370126
154 comments

I agree, your life sucks (53397) - you deserved it (16134)

On 08/07/2009 at 8:43pm - misc - by Momlovesme (woman) - United States (Colorado)

Today, my 8 year old little sister said "f you" to my mom. My mom thought I told her to say that and grounded me for a month. Later, my sister came up to me and said "Gotcha, bitch." FML

#4158502
122 comments

I agree, your life sucks (52841) - you deserved it (3588)

On 07/30/2009 at 11:11am - kids - by Toaster (man) - United States (Virginia) - moderated by the Jackass crew

Today, I found out why my girlfriend of 8 months has never agreed to stay the night before. Now I have a 4-month old mattress that needs replacing, and a 23-year-old bedwetter for a girlfriend. FML

#3500030
289 comments

I agree, your life sucks (48033) - you deserved it (7935)

On 07/05/2009 at 6:07am - misc - by wetboy (man) - United Kingdom (London)

Today, my husband and I were having sex in the shower while our 5-year old was sleeping. Apparently, she wasn't sleeping and she asked me what those loud noises were. I told her I was singing. Now I can't get her to stop "singing" in the shower. FML

#3058885
198 comments

I agree, your life sucks (17865) - you deserved it (56205)

On 06/20/2009 at 12:06pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my car was in the shop so I borrowed my wife's VW Beetle convertible. It's really embarrassing because it's a girlie car and it's full of little stuffed animals. At a stop light a man asked me if I'd like to borrow one of his testicles because "every man should have at least one." FML

#2812014
263 comments

I agree, your life sucks (94439) - you deserved it (19962)

On 06/11/2009 at 8:23pm - misc - by NoBalls (man) - United States (Indiana)



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