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Today, I was having sex with my girlfriend. She started panting harder and going, "AH, AH, AH..." and I thought she was about to come. Next thing I know, there's snot splattered all over my face and neck. Turns out it was a sneeze. FML
Today, I went to a date with a girl I thought liked me. We sat down at a restaurant, ordered some food and started talking. After 30 minutes she said with a sigh of relief "THANK GOD! There's my dad. Now I can leave. Bye, thanks for the dinner." The food hadn't even arrived yet. FML
Today, my mother called me downstairs to give me what I assumed was going to be "The Talk" (About four years too late). So she sits me down, holds my hands, and with the gentlest, most motherly expression on her face tells me, "Honey, if you ever come home pregnant, I'll kill you and the baby." FML
Today, I locked my keys in my car. After spending 20 minutes on the phone with AAA, and then waiting a half hour, the guy showed up, he stuck his hand in the drivers side window and asked, "You couldn't just reach in?" I forgot I left the window open. FML
Today, I was going 73 in a 55 on a country road when an oncoming cop passed me. He pulled a U turn. I turned off the main road and took random turns. I got lost, was 30 minutes late to work, and the cop still found me and gave me two tickets. I had to ask him for directions. FML
Today, at a family Seder, (a Jewish service for Passover), my mom served matzah balls during the festive meal. Considering how much I love matzah balls and there aren't many options for me to eat because I'm a vegetarian, I shouted, "I like really big balls!" in front of my entire family. FML
Today, I was reminded that I used by dad's camera all summer to take naked pictures for boyfriend when my dad sent me an email saying: "FYI: when you delete pictures directly off the camera they get uploaded as trash files when the camera is connected to the computer." He saw them all. FML
Today, I ran over a squirrel. I saw it twitching, so I backed over it to end its suffering. It wasn't a squirrel; it was a kitten. The children it belonged to watched as I ran over their kitten. Twice. FML
Today, I was on a flight from Chicago to Minneapolis. A rather attractive young lady sitting next to me fell asleep at the beginning of the flight. About 40 minutes into the flight I noticed my fly was open. The lady woke to me with my hands in my crotch struggling to zip up my fly. FML
Today, I was having sex with a girl I had just met. After about 5 minutes in, she said she had to go to the bathroom. So we stopped and she went to the bathroom. After waiting around 10 min, I decided to check if she was ok. The window was open. She was gone. FML
Today, I logged onto my computer to access a video from my porn stash. However, the folder was empty except for my favourite file. Thinking that a virus deleted everything, I was thankful my favourite file remained. When I opened it, I saw a video of my parents telling me not to masturbate. FML
Friday 18 July 2014