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Today, I had a date with a guy I've had a crush on for 6 years. Things got heated when we got back to his place, but he had trouble getting the condom on. As soon he got it on, he came. I told him it was ok, I'd help him get hard again. He said, "No thanks. I'm good." FML
Today, my dad and his girlfriend left for a 10-day vacation. They booked an expensive beach-house. I'm an A grade student and just last month, he stopped paying my school fees because he 'couldn't afford it.' Oh, and he's making me feed the dog while he's away. FML
Today, I was eating chips with my father. After I finished eating a chip I felt something between my teeth, It was pubic hair. I soon realized my dad was scratching his testicles while eating chips. FML
Today, me and a couple of friends decided to go camping in a national park . When we got there, a ranger came up to us and said, "There have been many sightings of coyotes, don't worry, if they charge you, they'll bluff and flee at the last moment." We met a coyote, it didn't bluff. FML
Today, I went to a crowded Walmart with a hot new girl I'm dating. It was raining and we had to park far from the entrance. As soon as we get out of my car, she starts sprinting to get out of the rain. I run to catch up and slip on a metal plate, and do a reverse superman onto my ass. FML
Today, I found out that whilst I was asleep last night, my boyfriend was playing on his XBox. I also found out that whenever he unlocked a new level, achievement or just generally beat someone's ass, he would celebrate by pulling out one of his pubes and putting it in my mouth. FML
Today, my father asked me to never contact him again. The reason? His "new" family doesn't know I exist and explaining that he has a 28 year old daughter to his wife and his other children would be "awkward". I have siblings that I will never meet. FML
Today, I left for college. I spent hundreds of dollars on clothes, bedding and other things. After packing my entire closet and everything else I needed, I left only to have to head back home. My dad forgot to pay the first semesters tuition. He said "Oh well, you would have failed out anyway." FML
Today, I was at my school's spaghetti dinner with my family. My brother shook up my mom's soda, as a prank. My entire class witnessed my mom waving around an overflowing Diet Coke while my dad yelled, "Come on, put your mouth on it! Suck it! Suck it, Kathy!" FML
Friday 27 March 2015