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ApacheC424's favorite FMLs
Today, I pulled someone over for speeding. He was only 10 over the speed limit so I gave him an $84 fine. It turns out he is a workplace Occupational Health and Safety officer and because I wasn't wearing my high visibilty vest while standing on the side of the road he gave me a $250 fine. FML
by auscop / 09/17/2009 at 6:57am / Australia (Western Australia) / Transportation
Today, I was at a party when I got covered in the liquid from a glow stick. Thinking it wasn't a big deal I went to rub it off, but it stuck to my clothes. The cops came so everyone ran and hid in the bushes because we were all drunk. The cops arrested fifteen people because I glowed. FML
by Idiots / 09/05/2009 at 4:54pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
Today, when we were at wrestling practice, we had to bend over to stretch. When I bent down, I noticed a car on the street stopped. There was a sixty year old man watching us. He then licked his lips and drove away. FML
by iceman123432 / 09/02/2009 at 4:07pm / United States (Texas) / Work
by Hairball / 09/01/2009 at 2:05pm / United States (South Carolina) / Work
Today, I woke up to find the entire driver's side of my car wrecked. Front door, back door, front and rear bumper smashed to shit. A drunk driver had hit it the previous night and ran. Don't worry though, he stopped and left his insurance information. He keyed it into the undamaged side of my car. FML
by wtfman101 / 08/28/2009 at 10:56am / United States (California) / Transportation
Today, I was eating with a friend while walking on the sidewalk. A couple of pigeons were bothering us so I threw a fry onto the street. As a flock of pigeons were gathering around the fry, a truck drove by. Only four survived. FML
by anonymous / 08/20/2009 at 2:22am / United States (California) / Miscellaneous
Today, I gathered both mine and my girlfriend's families secretly to a restaurant. I paid the restaurant to play romantic music, and paid for the best table available. As soon as we finished our meal, our families gathered around and I proposed. She laughed and said no way. FML
by gtrs750 / 08/09/2009 at 9:48am / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Love
Today, I saw my girlfriend going into my best friend's dorm room and suspected her to cheat on me so I placed a camera in his room to spy on them. In the end, I discovered that my girlfriend has problems in math and both my best friend and brother are gay. FML
by Anonymous / 08/08/2009 at 3:18am / Canada (Quebec) / Love
Today, I was at my girlfriend's house. It was just me and her. Things began to get heated, and we started doing it on the living room couch. Near the end of it I decided to whisper in her ear, "Who's your daddy?" I hear behind me, "I am." FML
by unbelievable208 / 08/05/2009 at 1:28am / United States (Michigan) / Intimacy
Today, I was putting on my new pair of jeans, when my girlfriend walked in. She found the "XS" size sticker on the side of my pants, held it for a little while then put it on my crotch. She then looked at me, gave a little shrug and half-smile and walked away. FML
by just_a_bit_akwRd / 08/04/2009 at 12:15am / United States (New York) / Love
by Tuck_My_Life / 08/03/2009 at 1:15am / United States (New Hampshire) / Love
Today, I just found out my dad got remarried a year ago. The woman is officially living with us, I got to have lunch with her alone today. I found out she is only 22, with a 14 year old little brother. My dad's 47. I'm 17, now with a 14 year old uncle and a mom that can pass for my girlfriend. FML
by Beefballs / 07/29/2009 at 2:22am / Canada (British Columbia) / Miscellaneous
by fmysexlife / 07/27/2009 at 1:06am / United States (New Hampshire) / Intimacy
Today, I went to a funeral for my coworker's father. While there, my dad's cell phone rang and he left to answer it. I turned to my brother and said, "I can't believe he brought his cell phone!" He whispered, "I can't believe he's got coverage. This is a dead zone!" I laughed loudly. At a funeral. FML
by Anonymous / 07/26/2009 at 1:00pm / Miscellaneous
Today, I decided to make a place in my house for my friends to sign called “The Friend Wall." By sign I meant sign, not draw body parts. This afternoon I ate lunch next to a basketball-sized vagina and a monumentally large blue and purple penis. FML
by rbates / 07/25/2009 at 2:32pm / United States (Florida) / Miscellaneous
- Today, my boyfriend insisted that we try phone sex. He started telling me all the things he wanted… Today, my boyfriend and I tried to have sex for the first time. Everything was going well, until he… Today, I overheard my boyfriend bragging to his friend about finally giving me an orgasm yesterday,…