Im that guy
Today, I had to take a dump. While looking for a book to read, I sneezed. The force of the sneeze caused me to shit my pants. The glob of dung then ran down my leg before falling out of my shorts onto my carpet, all in less than 5 seconds. Nothing in my life has prepared me for this. FML
I agree, your life sucks (29499) - you totally deserved it (4111)
On 10/14/2009 at 1:01pm - misc - by Anonymous (man) - United States (Florida)
Today, my Marine friend got back from his tour of duty overseas. We went out for drinks to celebrate his return. His own form of celebration was to pick a fight with a returning Navy SEAL and his friends. We lost. Badly. FML
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On 09/13/2009 at 2:17am - health - by beaten (man) - United States (Idaho)
Today, was my first day at Military School. When our commander walked into the sleeping quarters, instructing us all to get up and stand at the foot of our beds. I had morning wood. To which the commander wasted no time in adressing in front of the rest of the room. FML
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On 09/12/2009 at 9:14am - misc - by Lukev7 - Australia (Victoria)
Today, I got out of the shower to find my cat staring up at me. Apparently my swinging penis looks like a cat toy to her, so she jumped up and clawed and tried to bite it. FML
I agree, your life sucks (26662) - you totally deserved it (3949)
On 09/11/2009 at 4:46pm - misc - by ouchh (man) - United States (California)
Today, My girlfriend and I were watching tv when suddenly one of our phones start going off. We both have the same phone and they were next to each other. She picks up the phone and reads the text message, "I wish you were here! I'd fuck you silly" She gets pissed and runs out. It was her phone. FML
I agree, your life sucks (34489) - you totally deserved it (1443)
On 09/11/2009 at 2:27pm - love - by Anonymous (man) - United States (California)
Today, I asked this guy to lunch because I had something I wanted to tell him. Before I could say anything he kissed me and said, "I love you too!" I was planning on telling him that my dad had told me earlier that he was my half brother. FML
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On 09/10/2009 at 3:24pm - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Canada (Ontario)
Today, my co-worker came back from Thailand with big new breasts. She told me to go ahead and touch them because they have a funny texture for the first few months. When our GM entered the room, I had both hands down my co-worker's shirt, agreeing that they were unnaturally firm. FML
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On 09/10/2009 at 2:57am - misc - by Anonymous (woman) - Australia (Queensland)
Today, I was sitting on a park bench with my very elderly grandfather while listening to music at a low volume. Suddenly, he turned to me and said very loudly, " I DIDN'T KNOW YOU HAD AIDS!" I received strange looks from everyone that day because he mistook my ear buds for a hearing aid. FML
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On 09/09/2009 at 4:16pm - health - by Missy (woman) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today, I woke up to my 8 month old son happy as can be. I could hear him laughing over the monitor. When I walked into the room, he had somehow got his diaper off and was holding onto his new found penis. He thought it was hysterical when it went off and shot urine everywhere. FML
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On 09/09/2009 at 3:33pm - kids - by WOCOACH (woman) - United States (Florida)
Today, I was working at a hospital-level rest home. I was making the rounds when I noticed a woman was sitting in her (electric) wheelchair in the middle of the hall. Going closer I saw her battery was flat so I said "Uh-oh! Looks like you've died." She bawled her eyes out and said "Not yet." FML
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On 09/09/2009 at 5:58am - misc - by Anonymous - New Zealand (Otago)
Today, I was doing laundry at college. There was a pile of clothes sitting on top of a dryer, but the dryer was empty so I used it. I came back to a note saying, "Don't touch my laundry, asshole" and a dryer filled with urine soaked laundry. FML
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On 09/08/2009 at 7:42pm - misc - by easrc (man) - United States (Pennsylvania)
Today I switched doctors, from a pediatrician to an adult doctor. The guy was really persistant about a few personal questions. Then he brought my parents in the room and proceded to tell them that I have an abnormally small penis and what remedies he knows of to fix it. FML
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On 09/08/2009 at 5:17pm - misc - by dude5028 - United States (Ohio)
Today, I got to work feeling slightly unwell. A couple of hours later, an extremely attractive customer came to my till, at which point my body decided it would be a good idea to vomit last night's dinner all over myself and the customer. FML
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On 09/08/2009 at 5:07am - work - by h0308 (woman) - United Kingdom (Milton Keynes)
Today, I met a nice girl and decided to ask her out. Later on she showed me a picture of her with her family, she was wearing red and everyone else black. I said jokingly "you look like the adopted child" only to find out that her had parents died and she was indeed adopted. FML
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On 09/08/2009 at 3:11am - love - by WanstinChurchHill (man) - United States (California)
Today, my girlfriend's family came over and I thought it would be fun to watch old family videos of when I was a kid. A few minutes into my 5th birthday party, I excused myself and went to grab some snacks for everyone. I returned to realize I had recorded porn over my family videos. FML
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On 09/06/2009 at 7:15pm - misc - by Ex-girlfried (man) - United States (Utah)
