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Alpaca_BAMF's favorite FMLs
Today, I caught my dog chewing on a tampon applicator. I tried to grab it from him, but he wanted to play "keep away" and ran outside. Like a dumbass, I chased after him in my underwear, earning myself the attention of my neighbors on each side of my driveway. FML
by ScoozieBooze / 12/20/2012 at 1:17pm / United States (New Mexico) / Miscellaneous
Today, my boyfriend told me his Christmas gift to me was custom made. I told my parents in excitement, thinking it could possibly be a ring. Half an hour later he told me what it was; a molded dildo of his penis. It's going to be an awkward conversation with my parents when they ask what I got. FML
by djl / 12/20/2012 at 12:30am / Canada (Alberta) / Intimacy
Today, I announced to my coworkers that I'd "fixed the massive problem" they'd all been complaining about. Eleven different people made guesses at what the problem had been, ranging from how bad I smell to if I had learned to brush my teeth. I just meant that I'd fixed the coffee machine. FML
by Anonymous / 12/11/2012 at 10:50pm / Australia (Queensland) / Work
by you're just creepy. / 12/11/2012 at 3:39am / Canada (Yukon Territory) / Love
Today, my boss was telling everyone that he knew a guy who went to a college at which multiple people were shot and killed recently. Being extremely socially awkward and uncomfortable, I blurted, "That's awesome." Now everyone in the office is terrified of me. FML
by Adan / 12/04/2012 at 4:34pm / United States (Washington) / Work
by mdg / 12/04/2012 at 12:16pm / United States (Connecticut) / Work
by Anonymous / 11/21/2012 at 12:00am / United States (Florida) / Animals
by mountains / 11/18/2012 at 7:47pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Miscellaneous
Today, the father of my unborn child told me he isn't sure he'll be able to make it to the birth, since there's no guarantee of when it will happen, so he can't schedule time off. This would be understandable if he actually had a job. FML
by Anonymous / 11/11/2012 at 1:50pm / United States (Texas) / Miscellaneous
by Anonymous / 11/10/2012 at 2:23am / United States / Work
Today, I overheard my mom talking on the phone with my sister about how much they hate my fiancé. My wedding is in two weeks and my family has been pretending to like my future husband for three years. FML
by Anonymous / 11/05/2012 at 6:36am / United States / Miscellaneous
by jdch_99 / 11/03/2012 at 1:34am / Canada (Ontario) / Health
by Anonymous / 11/02/2012 at 9:23pm / Canada (Nova Scotia) / Intimacy
Today, my coworker and I were sitting and eating lunch. We noticed a little kid kept staring at us, and every time we looked away he would come a little bit closer. When he was right behind us, I looked and was startled enough to jump. The parents were three tables down laughing uncontrollably. FML
by radioinvader / 10/28/2012 at 8:29am / Canada (Ontario) / Work
Today, my fiancé's stepfather asked me how my teaching job was going. I replied heatedly that I've never taught, and then complained bitterly to my fiancé about how his family still doesn't know me. Turns out his stepfather has early onset dementia, and that I'm an asshole. FML
by inthefamily / 10/23/2012 at 9:29am / United States (District of Columbia) / Health
- 1Today, my boyfriend presented me with a 30-minute montage video of him working out and flexing his… 2Today, my boyfriend finally told me that he loved me. This would've been fantastic if he didn't say… 3Today, I was eating my lunch. When I opened my mouth to eat a spoonful of rice, a bee flew right…