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Get the guts to spill the beans

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Today, I dropped off a box for my sister at her job. In a rush, I unknowingly parked in a reserved spot. When I got back to my car, I saw that my car was being towed. After successfully flirting myself out of an expensive towing bill, I backed into the pole behind me, leaving a noticeable dent. FML

11/20/2009 at 6:01am by hopefulanonymous

Today, I thought it would be funny to touch my girlfriend's back with my cold hands. She thought it would be funny to crush my left testicle with her knee as I was trying to fall asleep. FML

11/20/2009 at 5:51am by inpain

Today, I was walking around in Target with my friends and the guy I've liked for a long time. As we approached the patio section, I sat down on a chair only to hear a big wet watery sound. I got up and realized that I had just sat in some little kid's diarrhea. FML

11/20/2009 at 5:35am by Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting it on when I realized I had to sneeze. Not wanting to sneeze on her, I tried my hardest to hold it in. When I climaxed, I couldn't hold it in any more and sneezed all over her face. FML

11/20/2009 at 4:53am by WorstMedicalBill

Today, I discovered that my boss listens to the things we say about him on the audio-enabled cameras at our work. I'm thus currently jobless. FML

11/20/2009 at 3:56am by HellaBomber91

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me so she could "let her life flow in the direction she wants." Apparently that includes smoking, stealing and making out with other girls at parties. The best part? She wants to get back together "after she matures and gets it out of her system." FML

11/19/2009 at 11:30pm by ApparentlyIFail

Today, I was planning on going on a date with a girl I've really liked. She told me today was the only we could hang out before her trip. I got an expensive hair cut, planned on cooking her dinner, and pulled a few strings and got on the list for a big concert. Turns out she'd rather go shopping. FML

11/19/2009 at 10:25pm by sadday

Today, I used text-to-speech just so that I can hear "I love you" for once. FML

11/19/2009 at 9:29pm by lonelyman

Today, a McDonald's employee had to correct my math after counting out $2.37 in change. I'm in AP Calculus and am currently learning how to find the derivative of an inverse of a logarithm. FML

11/19/2009 at 9:26pm by Links

Today, I finally got out of the hospital for having Swine Flu for 3 weeks. So to celebrate, I went for a nice ride on my horse. While I was riding some birds flew in front of us and scared my horse. I am now back in the hospital because my horse ran over me. FML

11/19/2009 at 1:24pm by ochie

Today, I was driving to my new home with a lot of my belongings in the car. I could hear things shifting in the back. When I parked, I opened the door, ready to catch my vodka. I caught it- and watched my laptop slide out of the car, onto the concrete, and break into 3 pieces. FML

11/19/2009 at 12:31pm by Earths_Venus

Today, my four year old got mad that he couldn't find his favorite character on the Wii. So, he decided to smash the Wii remote into my $700 LCD TV, shattering the screen. That was the only TV in the house, and the $80 service plan I bought doesn't cover accidental damage. FML

11/19/2009 at 11:14am by mizzy

Today I met my boyfriend's parents. Later on, his mom pulls me aside and tells me to back off, saying he will never marry someone like me and he should be with a nice girl like his ex. They broke up after he found her in his bed with his roomate. FML

11/19/2009 at 10:09am by thenewone

Today, as I left class I felt a tug on my rucksack from behind. Thinking it was just someone deliberately dragging me back, I struggled to let myself free and shouted "Let go!". I looked over my shoulder just to find that one the straps was trapped in the doorhandle. Everyone was in hysterics. FML

11/19/2009 at 10:06am by betamaxjim

Today, a cat came up to me on the pavement so I petted it a little. An elderly man rode past on his bicycle and shouted "I'd like to stroke your pussy too!" FML

11/19/2009 at 7:20am by pussystroker

Today, I was baking cookies and opened the oven door to check on them. Apparently, wearing a gold necklace means the wave of heat will burn your very fair skin. I now have a bright red ring of stars around my neck. FML

11/19/2009 at 6:41am by Sam_Licker81

Today, I took my dog to the vet because he hadn't eaten his food in three days, was drinking a lot of water, and was peeing a lot (all signs of antifreeze poisoning). I spent $200 at the vet to tell me that my dog is fine and just didn't like his current food. FML

11/19/2009 at 6:14am by Anonymous

Today, my girlfriend woke up very early in terrible pain. I drove her to the hospital and fell asleep in the waiting area. When I woke up, my car was gone and it was 9am. She had assumed I just walked home (32 miles), so she took the car. I was the only one in the waiting area. FML

11/19/2009 at 5:53am by nolips

Today, I was babysitting my nephew. He was watching the episode where Spongebob smashes his guitar while playing. I walk into the kitchen to make him a snack, and I hear a loud crash... My nephew smashing my brand new guitar to be like Spongebob. FML

11/19/2009 at 4:37am by maxus

Today, my boyfriend gave me an early wedding present. I opened the box and inside was the most adorable cat I've ever seen! It got scared, jumped out, clawed my face and pissed everywhere. My wedding is tomorrow and I look like Frankenstein's bride. FML

11/19/2009 at 3:36am by Anonymous

Today, I was mowing the lawn and needed bugspray. I grabbed the first can of "off" I saw. Turns out "Easy Off" oven cleaner doesn't repell bugs, but it does give you third degree burns everywhere on your body. FML

11/19/2009 at 1:36am by fishmike

Today, I found out that if you lose contact with people in your previous school, they decide to spread rumors about you and make everyone believe that you're dead. FML

11/18/2009 at 11:03pm by Anonymous

Today, I was laughing at a story of a girl who had dropped her cellphone in a hottub and ruined it. As I was feeling pretty good about myself, I then realized that my cellphone was in the pocket of a sweater that I had just thrown in the washer 20 minutes prior. FML

11/18/2009 at 9:36pm by Cellphonetroubles

Today, I decided to begin jogging since my weight was getting a little out of control and I wanted to do something about it. Guess who tripped on a root and broke their ankle? Yeah. Exactly. FML

11/18/2009 at 9:33pm by SeeTony

Today, after a long day of cleaning, I decided to make a grilled cheese sandwich for lunch. Reaching for what I thought was Pam I coated my bread with spray and put my sandwich in the pan. Pledge makes a great looking sandwich, but the lemony flavor tastes like crap. FML

11/18/2009 at 9:08pm by Anonymous

Today, whilst singing at school in front of 300 visiting primary school children I forgot the second verse to my song and let out an F*** word with the microphone still up to my face. FML

11/18/2009 at 8:10pm by fail

Today, I applied some things I learned reading a "How to please a woman" book. My wife was in heaven until it was over, then she started crying and yelling about the only way I would learn those things is if I was having an affair. I explained but she doesn't believe me. FML

11/18/2009 at 7:16pm by anonymous

Today, my dad came home from Vegas. Today, my college savings account is down $64,000. FML

11/18/2009 at 5:31pm by screwed

Today, I have to go to the dentist to get a tooth capped. Why? Because my room mate knows I sleepwalk and thought it would be funny to put a trip wire across the top of the stairs. It worked. FML

11/18/2009 at 3:30pm by CB

Today, I was sitting at lunch and started choking on a chip. I couldn't breathe and nobobody tried to help me. Having to take matters into my own hands, I reached for a juice box that belonged to someone sitting next to me. After I could breathe again, they informed me that they had mono. FML

11/18/2009 at 2:19pm by ohmigodimchokin

Today, I missed my bus. I had to ride my bike 2 miles. Once I left, some jerk nearly hit me. I flipped him off and shouted obsceneties. It was my dad, offering me a ride. He left. FML

11/18/2009 at 1:04pm by ggbhghggg

Today, my iPod dropped out of my pocket while I was walking. Trying to be cool, I attempted to kick it back into the air to catch it before it hit the ground. Upon making contact with my foot, It ended up detaching from my headphones and flying 10 feet. Right into a sewer grate. FML

11/18/2009 at 11:57am by Adam

Today, my girlfriend and I were sitting downstairs with my mom. We heard the dog running around upstairs and called it down. It came running down the stairs. With a used condom in its mouth. The same condom my girlfriend and I lost two weeks ago. It put it directly in my mom's hands. FML

11/18/2009 at 11:35am by Tucker

Today, I woke up with a ridiculous hangover and no memory of last night. I called my friend who proceeded to tell me that I was so trashed I ended up eating all the hamburgers and chicken fingers in her fridge. I've been a vegetarian for 15 years. FML

11/18/2009 at 11:11am by squishy

Today, I learned that if you stare at your cat and her eyes suddenly get really big, it means she's going to maul your face. FML

11/18/2009 at 11:01am by nycplywood