Today, my nine year old stepson overheard me telling my husband that I was almost out of my favorite shampoo, and since it was discontinued, I couldn't buy any more. He got in the shower and happily emptied the bottles down the drain. FML

by Anonymous / 01/31/2012 at 12:31pm / United States / Kids

Today, I got to be an innocent victim caught in the middle of a farting war between my boyfriend and my 10-year-old son. I fear my sense of smell will never recover. FML

by beautifulme / 01/31/2012 at 1:22am / United States / Kids

Today, my little brother went through all the artistic anatomy reference books and colored in all the nipples and penises with a bright pink sharpie. These books were from the library. FML

by Anonymous / 01/31/2012 at 12:16am / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I came home to the nanny passed out on the couch from too much alcohol, my 2-year-old alone and locked in the bathroom, and my house in a complete wreck. To top it off, it's the day my mother-in-law, who hates me, is coming to visit from New York. FML

by myself / 01/30/2012 at 12:24am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, my wife and I were getting intimate for the first time in several months. Then we heard our son yelling from the other room needing my help. He needed me to scratch his foot because the cat was on his lap and he couldn't reach it. FML

by footscratching / 01/28/2012 at 1:27am / United States / Kids

Today, my husband thought it would be "funny" to put laxatives in the cakes for my son's 7th birthday party. Over 40 kids came to the party. FML

by Anonymous / 01/25/2012 at 11:18pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I took my kids to visit their grandma. At one point while playing, my youngest said "shit", so I admonished her. My mom snorted and told me to "stop being such a little bitch", because it will make my kids into "lame prisses like their mother". FML

by gloria77 / 01/23/2012 at 6:26pm / United States / Kids

Today, my kids tried to make grilled cheese by turning the toaster sideways. When all was done, it all flew out onto the kitchen floor. Both my kids and my husband left the mess there for me to clean up when I got home. FML

by Anonymous / 01/23/2012 at 5:07pm / United States / Kids

Today, I was working at Staples and organizing some notebooks. All of a sudden, I jumped up because of a sharp pain in my back. A little girl had grabbed a stapler and stapled my back. FML

by thosedamnkids / 01/22/2012 at 12:09am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, while over at a friend's house, I saw a framed picture of a young African boy on her fridge. I asked, "Oh, is this one of those kids you adopt from third world countries? My grandma does that too." She responded, "What do you mean? That's my cousin." FML

by WillaminaL / 01/19/2012 at 10:33pm / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, I had to slowly explain to my daughter why her Facebook profile isn't a valid piece of ID. FML

by Ange / 01/15/2012 at 2:34pm / United States (New Hampshire) / Kids

Today, I met my son for the first time since I had to put him up for adoption over two decades ago. I wanted to make amends and get to know him. Instead, all I got to know was how well he can throw a punch. FML

by me / 01/13/2012 at 8:38pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I spun a two year old upside down, in circles. She wasn't remotely dizzy. I threw up on myself. FML

by Anonymous / 01/12/2012 at 1:41pm / United Kingdom (London) / Kids