Today, my turtle, who had a little portion of the garden all to herself, died. My 5-year-old nephew wanted to "be like Mario" by jumping on her. FML

by Grindyloo / 05/05/2012 at 6:06am / Kids

Today, I called my mum, crying because of my low self-esteem. She interrupted my sobs by saying, "Can I hang up now? The phone's getting hot." FML

by Anonymous / 05/03/2012 at 7:37am / Australia / Kids

Today, I was visiting my 8-year-old nephew. He told me he learned about fire safety, so I asked him what he'd do if there were a fire right now. He pushed me out of the way and I fell, then he ran over me and out the front door, leaving me on the floor in pain. FML

by Anonymous / 04/30/2012 at 8:22pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I had to take my 15-year-old daughter to remove the handcuffs her father had placed on her as a joke. He didn't know they were real. FML

by Anonymous / 04/30/2012 at 12:44am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I woke up, got up, and felt something crunchy under my feet. My son thought it would be funny if he spread cat litter all around the house. Used cat litter. FML

by Anonymous / 04/27/2012 at 11:22am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I discovered that my daughter refuses to eat, but not because she's anorexic. Apparently, her health class has learned about the digestive system and now she refuses to "take part in something so gross." FML

by Anonymous / 04/26/2012 at 12:36am / United States (Hawaii) / Kids

Today, I got into an argument with my mother, when she snapped and called me a son of a bitch. I said that made no sense, because I'm a girl, and it'd only really confirm that she's a bitch. She then grounded me for insulting her. FML

by KC / 04/25/2012 at 4:06pm / United Kingdom (Cambridgeshire) / Kids

Today, I finally found the jewelry my two-year-old son had lost when it got lodged in my foot. FML

by Anonymous / 04/25/2012 at 10:33am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my son told me he needed a haircut. I was thrilled that he actually requested it, since he normally throws a fit over getting them. He described the cut he wants. It's a mullet. FML

by DaveAlmighty / 04/24/2012 at 7:59pm / United States / Kids

Today, I discovered that last night, my son snuck downstairs at 3am, drank two glasses of my very expensive wine, threw up on his bed, and then slept in his own vomit. My son is 14. FML

by sadmommy / 04/23/2012 at 6:51pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I came down with food poisoning of some sort. After hours of scrambling to the toilet to vomit and empty my bowels, my three-year-old daughter got fed up and is now trying to potty-train me. FML

by Anonymous / 04/22/2012 at 1:12pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, I took off the training wheels of my niece's bike. I tried to show her how to ride it, but she told me to get off because I needed a fat girl's bike. FML

by Mary Kathryn / 04/22/2012 at 8:09am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, just three days into a much-needed vacation, my 5-year-old daughter has come down with chickenpox. FML

by Lorena / 04/21/2012 at 3:26pm / United States (Hawaii) / Kids