Today, my son got his first tooth, and is enthusiastically biting everything. I breastfeed. FML

by loveyouson / 01/09/2013 at 1:48pm / Denmark (Hovedstaden) / Kids

Today, my daughter learned a new song. This would be great, except for the lisp her teacher has. I now have a child screaming about the "itchy bitchy spider" at the top of her lungs. FML

by ugh / 01/08/2013 at 8:01pm / United States (Michigan) / Kids

Today, my son volunteered to help me cut out coupons. When I got to the register at the store, I noticed he'd cut off all the barcodes. FML

by Anonymous / 01/07/2013 at 4:27pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, my son sprayed Axe body-spray all over the house in the vain hope of covering up the scent of the joints he'd been smoking. FML

by Anonymous / 01/07/2013 at 3:01pm / United States (Connecticut) / Kids

Today, my little sister asked me to open a jar of pickles for her. I struggled a little until the lid busted open, and pickle juice poured over my pocket and the iPhone inside. My sister then sniffed the jar, made a disgusted face, and ran out. FML

by Anonymous / 01/05/2013 at 7:06pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids

Today, I found out I'm pregnant. My husband reacted by going out and smoking weed, then getting completely shitfaced, and having his buddies drag his nearly-comatose carcass back home from a strip club. FML

by Anonymous / 01/04/2013 at 7:56pm / Netherlands (Groningen) / Kids

Today, I learned that toddlers cannot fully digest raisins. I learned this first-hand when my 15-month-old began pooping them whole. In the bathtub. FML

by Raela / 01/04/2013 at 11:59am / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I went to take a shower. Afterwards, I noticed I'd forgotten to bring a shirt to change into, so I put on a towel and went back to my room, only to witness my 14-year-old brother and a friend smelling my bra, commenting on "how warm it is". FML

by PrezKisame / 01/03/2013 at 3:35pm / Australia (Queensland) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, at my four-year-old daughter's insistence, I looked for - and found - a radio station that plays "Santa music" all year round. She's ecstatic and I can't turn it off without upsetting her. FML

by christmaswillneverend / 01/01/2013 at 7:18pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, I checked my sister's diary, because I was worried about her recent angry and withdrawn behavior. She caught me in the act, and my mom, whom I've caught blatantly snooping through my stuff multiple times now, grounded me for my "disgusting" violation of my sister's privacy. FML

by Anonymous / 12/29/2012 at 6:17pm / United States / Kids

Today, I was walking in the park, when a kid ran up and hit me in the stomach. He said, "Don't get mad, get glad!" and ran off. FML

by ShadowReaper101 / 12/29/2012 at 2:41am / United States (California) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my 6-year-old nephew opened his Christmas gift. The first words out of his mouth were, "This is cheap." FML

by UngratefulBrat / 12/28/2012 at 2:03am / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, my brother learned how to fake cry. I've been catching shit for everything I've done and said near him ever since. FML

by everore / 12/25/2012 at 1:12pm / United States (Utah) / Kids