Today, I had to take my daughter to the ER. Her brother had bet she couldn't go the whole day without talking. So to win the bet, she tried to super-glue her lips together so she couldn't accidentally say anything. FML

by 1010110100101101 / 06/19/2015 at 12:07pm / United States (Wisconsin) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, my mother got heartburn. She claimed she only gets heartburn when she is near a pregnant woman. She threatened to kick me out of the house if I didn't take a pregnancy test, despite there being no way I was pregnant. Turns out, I am pregnant, and my mother's ego has never been bigger. FML

by RecentCollegeGrad / 06/17/2015 at 2:09pm / Kids

Today, my father finally achieved his long-held goal. He has legally disowned me. FML

by _kyleG_ / 06/16/2015 at 1:54am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I insulted my younger sister's hamster. She then smashed me with a stool. FML

by HttpsHaileyy / 06/15/2015 at 4:02pm / United States / Kids

 Today, I had to explain to my little brother yet again that no, socks don't count as toilet paper. FML

by maggieyokoi / 06/15/2015 at 3:11pm / Kids

Today, I had to take my son to the hospital for drinking sunscreen. Apparently, he saw something on the internet that said if he drank it, his body would sweat it out and continually apply it to his body. He's 16. FML

by afather / 06/14/2015 at 9:41am / United States (South Dakota) / Kids

Today, my parents bought my 11-year-old brother a MacBook for my birthday. FML

by thanks for the $5 gift voucher / 06/13/2015 at 12:34pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, the 4-year-old I was babysitting came up to me all happy, saying she went to the bathroom like a "big girl". Knowing she was just potty trained, I asked if she'd remembered to flush. Looking at me confused, she said, "But it's in my room." FML

by AdoKitty / 06/10/2015 at 11:04pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my husband and I broke the news to my 10-year-old son that in about 8 months, he'll have a baby brother or sister. I knew he never wanted a sibling, but I didn't expect him to throw a tantrum, then look at me through teary eyes and scream, "Why can't you keep your fucking legs closed?" FML

by Anonymous / 06/10/2015 at 12:13pm / United States (Kentucky) / Kids

Today, someone finally told me that they couldn't live without me and that they love me more than anything. It was a student in my year 1 class. FML

by foreveralone / 06/09/2015 at 11:15am / Australia (Western Australia) / Kids

Today, I found out my husband potty trained my stubborn three year old son who prefers diapers. He managed this by peeing with him and "sword-fighting" with their urine streams. I now have to clean pee off the ground every time he urinates. FML

by diapersplease / 06/06/2015 at 9:17pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, I realized the only way I can pay my bills this month is if I steal from my 8 year old's birthday money. FML

by Cammi0 / 06/02/2015 at 1:58pm / United States / Kids

Today, frustrated with my very energetic kids, I told them that if they dug a hole deep enough in the backyard, they'd find China. What they really found was the previous owner's dog. FML

by pheonixxe / 06/01/2015 at 6:45pm / United States (Wyoming) / Kids