Today, my two sons were fighting. I had to shout, "Give me that pillow" - the object over which they were quarrelling - and put them into two separate rooms. My sons are 12 and 15. FML

by Anonymous / 10/22/2015 at 3:02pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my sister asked me to grab her some toilet paper. I refused, so she grabbed my favorite shirt out of the laundry basket and used it to wipe. I was busy icing my sprained ankle. I couldn't walk. She knew this. FML

by thanks sis / 10/21/2015 at 8:57pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, according to daycare, my son is behind in his potty training curriculum because we are not "celebrating his natural bodily functions" enough. He turned 2 a week ago, and he peed on our bed last night because we're trying to meet this demand. FML

by NotThePotty / 10/19/2015 at 6:15am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I found my daughter's fanfiction account. I need a new pair of eyes, or brain bleach, or both. FML

by Anonymous / 10/18/2015 at 10:23am / United States (Arkansas) / Kids

Today, I had to bail my son out of jail, because he's a pansy and wouldn't last a night in there. His crime: pissing through the open windows of passing cars after losing a bet with his friends. I feel like if he gave me grandkids, they'd be born with half a brain. FML

by Anonymous / 10/17/2015 at 7:41am / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, the father of my unborn child got laid off. Without a work visa, he may have to leave the country before this baby even arrives. FML

Today, I had to grab a large kitchen knife from my son, after I heard him convince his friend to join him in cutting off his finger, so they could "be assassins like Ezio." FML

by Anonymous / 10/14/2015 at 10:29am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I went to my cousin's house. I left my bag on the couch as my aunt instructed, only for my cousin to take it and throw it into the swimming pool. My laptop, textbooks and notes were soaked. My exam is in a week, and my aunt won't punish her perfect little angel. FML

by Anonymous / 10/14/2015 at 9:21am / United States (Missouri) / Kids

Today, while I was in the shower, my 4 year old son wondered what would happen if he put 6 eggs in the microwave. FML

by why do eggs explode / 10/12/2015 at 5:35pm / Canada (Alberta) / Kids

Today, in class I was teaching 6 year olds about the difference between short and tall, and I asked them how they could see that I was shorter than the other teacher. One of them raised their hand and said it was because I'm fatter. FML

by lemonchips / 10/12/2015 at 5:28pm / Norway / Kids

Today, I was babysitting a 2 year old. He was messing around with a silver fork and I told him it was dangerous. He then got mad at me and started crying and stabbed me right in my foot. Be warned, even though they're little, they can still cause a lot of pain. FML

by Some Guy / 10/11/2015 at 8:54pm / United States (Texas) / Kids

Today, while looking through my son's browser history, I found a Google search for "stop looking in my history u nosey cunt". I swore last week that I don't invade his privacy, so I can't even punish him for the bad language without looking like a lying bastard. FML

by Hank-T4 / 10/11/2015 at 7:45am / Australia (Victoria) / Kids

Today, my son told me that he doesn't need to go to school because he doesn't need a job. It turns out he plans to get a life sentence in prison and live the rest of his life at the taxpayers' expense. FML

by Anonymous / 10/11/2015 at 12:20am / Canada (Alberta) / Kids