Today, at an Aunt's wake, my five year old son walked up to the coffin, and, with the whole family around him, exclaimed, "Well that's good, I was wondering where she's been." FML

by Anonymous / 10/29/2010 at 4:31am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, my little cousin is going to be staying at our house for a year or so, because of financial problems. It wouldn't be so bad if it weren't for the fact that every single night he creeps up on me while I'm sleeping, and shouts "GO F YOURSELF!" directly into my ear. Only another 11 months to go. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2010 at 12:44am / Canada (British Columbia) / Kids

Today, it was my little girl's birthday and her grandparents came over to celebrate. One of the presents from her grandparents turned out to be a sweater. She then asked, "Mommy, may I please lie?" When I shook my head no, she exclaimed, "I hate this ugly sweater!" FML

by Lisaaa / 10/27/2010 at 7:47am / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I babysat my neighbour's spoilt bratty twins. When I told them it was their bed time, they pushed me over. One then started smashing me with a plastic sword, and as I lay helpless on the floor the other one peed on me. I got owned by two five year olds. FML

by peestain / 10/25/2010 at 6:06am / United Kingdom (Bristol) / Kids

Today, while I was substitute teaching a middle school class, a boy, named Chris, refused to get in the boy's line for the bathroom. After I had said, "Chris, what makes you think you're a girl?" in a very loud voice, one of the other students said "She is a girl." I've scarred a child for life. FML

by badteacher / 10/24/2010 at 1:26am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, a woman got out of a car to scream at me as I was walking with the kids I babysit, demanding to know where I was taking her children. Apparently the woman who pays me is also a babysitter, who I have been "covering" for on her party nights. The mother doesn't believe I didn't know this. FML

by Anonymous / 10/23/2010 at 8:52pm / United States (Massachusetts) / Kids

Today, l was crouched on the ground in the doorway at a haunted mansion. It's part of my job here to scare the people passing by. A 12 year old girl walked by, I grabbed her leg, and she kicked me in the face. FML

by Anonymous / 10/21/2010 at 5:44pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I discovered that my son has an allergy to cats. My partner of two years, not wanting to fight, suggested a compromise: that my son and the cat take turns sleeping outside. FML

by Anonymous / 10/20/2010 at 3:11am / New Zealand (Wellington) / Kids

Today, I received two cards in the mail for my late husband for his birthday. He has been dead for four years now, and the cards were from our two children, who live several states away. This is the fourth time it's happened, and neither of them answer my calls. Ever. FML

by widow / 10/19/2010 at 6:58pm / United States (Illinois) / Kids

Today, I came home from work. I was really tired and told my son that I would make him dinner later. He called the cops saying, "Mommy won't feed me." FML

by Lauren Smith / 10/17/2010 at 12:52pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, my 4 year old daughter walked into my home office and said F*** you! Then she ran to my husband and said "Did I say it right?" FML

by Ashley Marshburn / 10/17/2010 at 9:55am / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, my 4 year old son told his preschool teacher that his daddy could pick up 10,000 cows but couldn't pick up his mommy because she was too heavy. I'm the mommy. FML

by princessj / 10/16/2010 at 1:50am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, as I put my 4 year old daughter in the car seat, she dropped her crayon. She then paused and matter-of-factly said, "Mommy, I don't say 'f***' anymore when I drop things." FML

by Anonymous / 10/14/2010 at 8:25pm / United States (Ohio) / Kids