Today, my scumfuck brother and his friends spent my baby sister's funeral snickering and telling dead baby jokes to one another. FML

by Anonymous / 09/18/2015 at 11:35pm / United States / Kids

Today, at the small daycare I run, I turned around to put something away. I heard a splashing sound and then saw one of my kids vomiting. He puked several times, and managed to hit the only rug in the entire house. FML

by Anonymous / 09/18/2015 at 5:14pm / United States (Arkansas) / Kids

Today, I found out the real cause of what I assumed was a healthy increase in my teenage daughter's appetite lately. Some fine young gentlemen with a fat fetish convinced her start gaining weight so they could jack off to her. FML

by bluep313 / 09/18/2015 at 1:03pm / United Kingdom (London, City of) / Kids

Today, I was driving students home on my school bus. I looked up in time to see a student wipe what would be one of many boogers across the window. As I'm cleaning the window, I tell her, "This is disgusting." Her reply? "No, it's not. It's PERFECT!" FML

by bigmozwoman / 09/17/2015 at 10:18pm / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, my son had a secret party. At first I was mad, then I had a complete and total Incredible Hulk meltdown when I realized that he had opened a bottle of very expensive whiskey, originally bottled by my great great grandfather in Scotland, and used it as a mixer with fucking Pepsi. FML

by Angus / 09/17/2015 at 3:48pm / France / Kids

Today, I got called into the school by my daughter's teacher. Apparently my daughter informed her class that over the weekend she spent her time with her daddy watching porn stars while her mummy was at work. It took a long time to convince her they were actually watching a TV show called "Pawn Stars". FML

by auraya1985 / 09/12/2015 at 5:34pm / United Kingdom / Kids

Today, I told my nephew to be careful when crossing the street in front of a bus because it might eat him. We then watched as a bus slowed down and stopped in front of a group of people. When the bus moved away, all the people were gone. My nephew is terrified, and won't stop crying. FML

by busmonster / 09/11/2015 at 8:32pm / United States (Virginia) / Kids

Today, my wife is unreasonably mad at me for telling our kids to call toilet paper, "Butt Floss". FML

by chillnhill / 09/10/2015 at 10:31pm / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

This FML has been commented on by its original poster.

Today, I caught two kids passing notes to each other in my class, so I told them to see me afterwards. When one of the kids eventually came up, I noticed he was crying. He looked up at me and sobbed out, "I was trying to make my first friend!" FML

by Anonymous / 09/08/2015 at 8:03pm / Kids

Today, I went to visit my mom and my 3-month-old sister. I picked the baby up, totally unaware that she had just eaten. As I went to give her a kiss, she vomited straight into my mouth. Let's just say she wasn't the only one who puked. FML

by brittsters / 09/04/2015 at 1:46pm / Canada (Ontario) / Kids

Today, I found my dog drinking out of the toilet. My daughter was next to him, also drinking from the toilet. FML

by whoevenncares / 09/03/2015 at 9:06pm / United States / Kids

Today, my idiot kid brother set my shirt on fire with a magnifying glass while I was taking a nap outside. FML

by girl on fire / 09/02/2015 at 8:32pm / Kids

Today, I let my 9-year-old daughter use my tablet while I made her dinner. A few minutes later, she let out a blood-curdling scream. Turned out she'd searched for My Little Pony pictures and stumbled upon a drawing of Rainbow Dash giving another pony a blowjob. FML

by Anonymous / 09/02/2015 at 11:26am / Canada (Manitoba) / Kids