Today, I walked in on my teenage son passionately making out with one of his sister's Barbie dolls. FML

by JGarz / 10/10/2015 at 3:21am / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, I had to choke back tears as my cockslap of a brother brutally mocked me for being a 25-year-old loser who's never been kissed by a girl, while at 14 he's already lost his virginity. FML

by Anonymous / 10/09/2015 at 5:06am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

by shh / 10/09/2015 at 3:06am / United States (Arizona) / Kids

Today, the 3 girls who have continuously bullied me for the past 3 years gave a class presentation on why bullying is so terrible. Judging from our teacher's comments, they're going to get top marks. FML

by Anonymous / 10/07/2015 at 9:47pm / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, I took my niece to the zoo. She was crying so I pointed out the chimpanzee to distract her. At the same time, he sat down and began to jack off. My niece won't stop making the same motion. FML

by elcee1987 / 10/06/2015 at 4:42pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, while trying to calm down my four-year-old son who had a tantrum in a store, a man walked up to me and said, "You couldn't have worn the condom?" FML

by jshsnan / 10/04/2015 at 7:12pm / United States (California) / Kids

Today, at the swimming pool, I thought it'd be funny to sneak up on my 5-year-old daughter underwater and surprise her. I grabbed her by the sides, and she shrieked. A moment later, a brown cloud erupted from her swimsuit. Cue screaming and a mass panic from the other kids. FML

by Anonymous / 10/03/2015 at 3:00am / United States (Minnesota) / Kids

Today, my mom was watching me during my Taekwondo lessons. She was yelling at me to focus on my own work and to quit hanging out with the little kids. I'm the instructor. FML

by Anonymous / 09/29/2015 at 6:50pm / United States (Michigan) / Kids

Today, I was babysitting a couple of kids. I'd spent time with them before, so I brought my video game console to play with them. I forgot to take it home with me. They soon sold it to another kid for $10. FML

by Thatguynoonelikes / 09/29/2015 at 9:21am / United States (Pennsylvania) / Kids

Today, my 6-year-old daughter touched a tray I'd just pulled out of the oven. I quickly swatted her hand away, but then noticed she wasn't hurt or burned at all. I then gingerly touched the tray and got scalded. My daughter giggled maniacally as I screamed. To be honest, I'm now terrified of her. FML

by :| / 09/26/2015 at 12:10am / New Zealand (Nelson) / Kids

Today, with the most certainty and confidence that I have ever seen in her, my 16-year-old daughter told me an egg is a fruit because of its "hard shell and growing seed." FML

by Failed_Dad / 09/25/2015 at 1:42am / United States (California) / Kids

Today, I got an angry call from my 7-year-old son's school. It turned out that while doing a "what I want to be when I'm older" assignment, he wrote that he wants to be an internet troll so he can make people mad and make them kill themselves. FML

by Anonymous / 09/23/2015 at 11:48am / United States (New Jersey) / Kids

Today, my 5-year-old daughter sobbed inconsolably on my return home from a several-month long deployment to the Middle East. I was touched by her reaction until she blurted out that she wasn't crying because she missed me, but because my shaved head looked scary ugly. FML

by LCDRBrownHercules / 09/21/2015 at 9:44pm / United States (California) / Kids