Today, I finally found out where my great grandmother's antique handheld mirror disappeared to. According to the headmaster, my eleven year old son has been using it to look up his classmates' dresses at school. FML

by Anonymous / 10/28/2011 at 8:25am / United States / Kids

Today, I was happily playing with my young niece and nephew. Their grandmother was watching and said, "You are so good with children! Why don't you have any?" My husband died 3 months ago. FML

by kiddoc / 10/25/2011 at 10:28pm / United States (New York) / Kids

Today, one of the children at my daycare came up to me and bit me on the face. He laughed so hard at my scream, that he threw up in my lap. FML

by mew / 10/25/2011 at 2:04pm / Canada / Kids

Today, after my son graduated from nursing school which I, as a single parent, paid for with blood, sweat, and tears, during his grad party he was asked what his next step was. His response was, "Eh, I kinda realized I hate nursing." FML

by Anonymous / 10/24/2011 at 12:22am / United States / Kids

Today, I came home from work to my 3 year old daughter sniffing the rug in the living room. When I asked her what she was doing she said "Daddy smell this." So I went, got on my knees and bent down to smell it and she pushed my face in the dog crap smeared in the rug. FML

by me / 10/22/2011 at 10:06pm / United States (Maine) / Kids

Today, my five-year-old daughter came home from school. It was cold and she was very tired. I said, "Take off your socks and blow your nose." She took off her socks and blew her nose into them. FML

by titoutou222 / 10/22/2011 at 8:40am / France / Kids

Today, my twin boys who are 5 decided to teach each other how to fly off the shed out back. They are still in their pajamas. Batman's arm is broken and Spiderman has a slight concussion. FML

by optimistic2628 / 10/19/2011 at 10:03am / United States / Kids

Today, on my first day of being a trainee teacher in a classroom, I told a boy to stop using that stupid accent or else I'll give him a detention. Turns out he just moved here from Romania. FML

by KillMeNow / 10/18/2011 at 12:08pm / United Kingdom (Sefton) / Kids

Today, I had to take my son to the emergency room for shooting himself in the ass with a BB gun. FML

by myfamilyisodd / 10/15/2011 at 1:05pm / United States (North Carolina) / Kids

Today, for the first time, I beat my brother in a game of CoD. Not being a gamer, I was ecstatic. Later, when I was in the shower, my brother snuck in the bathroom, yelled "Napalm strike!" and threw our cat over the shower curtain like a furry grenade from hell. FML

by MLGreco / 10/14/2011 at 12:11pm / United States / Kids

Today, in the senior class I teach, I asked my students who had traveled outside of the country, excluding Canada and Mexico. One student raised his hand and proudly stated, "Arizona". He wants to be a doctor. FML

by Anonymous / 10/14/2011 at 2:42am / United States (Florida) / Kids

Today, I overheard my husband talking to our 6 year-old about animals for a project. I listened, thinking it was cute, until my husband said gleefully, "Remember to say this in your project: octopuses have 8 testicles." FML

by daddoesn'tknowbest / 10/13/2011 at 8:24am / United States / Kids

Today, I was driving my eight year-old son to school when a guy cut me off, prompting me to yell "douche bag" as a reflex out of the window. Realizing my mistake, I turned to my son and told him to never, ever talk like that. His response was, "Too late, douche bag." FML

by John W. / 10/12/2011 at 8:37am / United States (Colorado) / Kids