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  • - Concept: An anecdote always starts with Today and ends with FML. There are no taboo subjects, feel free to express yourself.
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Today, I got sick of my flatmate stealing my food so I decided to sabotage a leftover pizza with laxatives. I came back home later in the evening after a night of heavy drinking. Guess what I had to eat in my drunken stupor. FML

#21409743
63 comments

I agree, your life sucks (15067) - you deserved it (32077)

On 05/13/2015 at 10:37pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I decided to surprise my girlfriend at work. Because she was "bored and didn't feel like seeing me" she thought it would be funny to call security and claim that I was stalking her. There is now a picture of my face at her workplace, and anytime I "pester her again" the cops will show up. FML

#21408859
139 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30473) - you deserved it (4269)

On 05/12/2015 at 8:53am - intimacy - by Darryl - Australia (Queensland)

Today, my 18-year-old boyfriend freaked out and kept asking me if I was sure I wouldn't get pregnant, because I forgot to take my birth control pill last night. We didn't actually have sex; he apparently thought me simply missing the pill would magically get me pregnant. The hell? FML

#21408378
112 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31768) - you deserved it (4821)

On 05/11/2015 at 1:08pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - Denmark (Midtjylland)

Today, I had sex with a guy I've liked for ages. We were lying in his bed afterwards, and he mumbled the word "happy". I thought it was really sweet, until he repeated himself. "My girlfriend probably won't be too happy about this." FML

#21407745
96 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31550) - you deserved it (5522)

On 05/10/2015 at 11:35am - intimacy - by YouDontSay (woman) - Ireland (Dublin)

Today, at a party I got blind drunk and I gave a guy a blowjob for the first time. I'm a 100% heterosexual male. FML

#21406764
298 comments

I agree, your life sucks (19768) - you deserved it (36675)

On 05/08/2015 at 12:59pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (man) - India (Delhi)

Today, my boyfriend and I got busted by a cop for having sex in his car. When the cop sent us on our way, we went home and the garage was open, so we called the cops thinking someone was in the home. No one was in the house, and we got the same cop. FML

#21406460
48 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30958) - you deserved it (8084)

On 05/07/2015 at 10:18pm - intimacy - by Bonnie and Clyde - United States (Texas)

Today, I took a shower with my boyfriend. I tried to be adventurous and went to give him a blowjob, only to end up slipping and head-butting him in the balls. FML

#21406233
140 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32458) - you deserved it (5354)

On 05/07/2015 at 2:00pm - intimacy - by pleasedie - United States (Florida)

Today, I had to say to my 23-year-old son that it's not a compliment to tell a woman that he wants to jam his cock down her throat. FML

#21405973
121 comments

I agree, your life sucks (32236) - you deserved it (4348)

On 05/06/2015 at 11:27pm - intimacy - by dadoftheyear (man) - United States

Today, my boyfriend complained that I only respond to his flirtations with exasperation and annoyance. Apparently, grunting and humping my leg like an ill-mannered dog while I'm trying to wash dishes is his way of flirting. FML

#21405919
74 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29843) - you deserved it (3172)

On 05/06/2015 at 10:12pm - intimacy - by Anonymous (woman) - United States (California)

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with. I'm not really interested in him, so I rushed out of his house last night. He was letting me know I left my wallet at his house, and if I want it, I'll have to let him take me to dinner. FML

#21405647
248 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18410) - you deserved it (31862)

On 05/06/2015 at 1:44pm - intimacy - by Anonymous - United States (California)

Today, I found out the "sex noises" I heard from next door last night, which I'd angrily yelled at my neighbor for, were actually from him having an uncontrollable seizure. FML

#21405133
72 comments

I agree, your life sucks (29229) - you deserved it (12195)

On 05/05/2015 at 2:20pm - intimacy - by 420curse (man) - United States (California)

Today, I had to play the hot and cold game with my boyfriend until he found my clitoris. FML

#21405064
147 comments

I agree, your life sucks (34360) - you deserved it (4510)

On 05/05/2015 at 11:13am - intimacy - by baby_trex_arms - United States (California)

Today, I found out why my husband has been coming home from work so late. Turns out he loves to help people. Specifically female people. And by help, I mean sleep with. FML

#21403935
97 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33248) - you deserved it (2491)

On 05/03/2015 at 1:49pm - intimacy - by I pick em' good - United States



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