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Today, I am down to 3 euros. My mother just stole the last two euros from me. I asked what she needed them for? Condoms. My mother can have safe sex. I can't buy lunch tomorrow. FML

#1998
29 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28538) - you deserved it (1664)

On 01/21/2009 at 6:22am - intimacy - by theDiva - Malta

Today, my boyfriend took me out to a nice seafood dinner where we had some great crab legs. Later tonight we drove down to the beach and started messing around. He started touching me... with his hands still covered in salty crab juice. FML

#1806
32 comments

I agree, your life sucks (31797) - you deserved it (6225)

On 01/19/2009 at 10:55pm - intimacy - by rindawg - United States (California)

Today, I was jerking one off and my cat jumped out of nowhere and dug his claws into my shaft. Attempting to knock him away resulted in three nasty gashes... that I now have to explain to my wife. FML

#1752
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33652) - you deserved it (9181)

On 01/19/2009 at 1:05pm - intimacy - by stanDman - Canada (Ontario)

Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. And no, I didn't get any. FML

#1678
90 comments

I agree, your life sucks (27224) - you deserved it (11266)

On 01/18/2009 at 10:20pm - intimacy - by gjh - Australia (New South Wales)

Today, I decided to jack it a few times because I haven't been laid in a while. After round 3 my ex called me up and said she wanted to 'talk.' When she came over she made it abundantly clear that she wanted to make whoopie. Couldn't get it up. FML

#1585
57 comments

I agree, your life sucks (18802) - you deserved it (36602)

On 01/18/2009 at 11:30am - intimacy - by f__k_it - United States (Oregon)

Today, I just got done reading all the healthy benefits that come with sex. One of them is higher self-esteem. Then I remembered that I haven't had sex in 15 months. FML

#1555
20 comments

I agree, your life sucks (20741) - you deserved it (2750)

On 01/18/2009 at 7:41am - intimacy - by SSH - United States (Florida)

Today, the guy I've had a crush on for a while called me and asked me over. I took a cab to his place and when I got there he was dressed in leather and wore a mask... It took me a 20 dollar cab fare to realize my crush is a freak. FML

#1507
52 comments

I agree, your life sucks (30894) - you deserved it (6541)

On 01/17/2009 at 8:38pm - intimacy - by Allenburg - United States (California)

Today, all I wanted was stress-relief sex with the guy I sleep with. Instead, I was so exhausted from my day that he thought I wasn't into it and ended up just talking to me about what we're going to do after college. Trading a booty call for a meaningful and heartfelt discussion. FML

#1468
32 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9176) - you deserved it (34409)

On 01/17/2009 at 3:40pm - intimacy - by Noname - United States (New Jersey)

Today, my younger brother and my parents were in my dorm room. When I wasn't looking, my brother opened the top drawer of my dresser (where I had a tube of half-used lube) and asked out loud: "What's Astroglide?" FML

#1440
28 comments

I agree, your life sucks (28443) - you deserved it (8314)

On 01/17/2009 at 9:25am - intimacy - by Perpetually F-ed. - United States (Massachusetts)

Today, my mom asked me for advice on how to give a good blow job. I'm a guy. FML

#1389
73 comments

I agree, your life sucks (33746) - you deserved it (2431)

On 01/16/2009 at 3:46pm - intimacy - by Ohai - United States (Oklahoma)

Today, my partner and I were informed by the man we had a three-way with, the first one after having finally screwed up the courage to do it, that he has mono. I don't feel so good. FML

#1345
59 comments

I agree, your life sucks (9646) - you deserved it (33030)

On 01/16/2009 at 8:36am - intimacy - by fd - United States (Alabama)

Today, I realized that instead of actually trying to get a job, save money, lose weight, and get thin so I could maybe attempt to date again; I'd rather spend my money on a Fleshlight. FML

#1321
54 comments

I agree, your life sucks (8380) - you deserved it (35740)

On 01/16/2009 at 3:34am - intimacy - by horny bastard - United States (Minnesota)

Today, I woke up with a hangover and my girlfriend seemed pissed at me. It took me a while before I remembered having sex the night before. I just didn't know exactly what had happened after that had pissed her off. Then I realized nothing happened, because I fell asleep while she was on top of me. FML

#1148
21 comments

I agree, your life sucks (7912) - you deserved it (33934)

On 01/14/2009 at 4:10pm - intimacy - by Holymoly - Netherlands (Utrecht)



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